In the Year 3,000
These mattresses are from the future! And it's a weird place.
If you're sleeping on one of these mattresses 1,000 years from now, there are a number of things we can surmise about you.
1. You got the $#!%less end of the genetic stick because you're WAY old and still kickin' i.e. You're the Highlander.
2. You're a king/queen because most everyone in the future sleeps on a nest of dryer lint and wet dog hair.
3. You scoff at the movie The Time Traveler's Wife because COULD THOSE TWO POSSIBLY HAVE LESS CHEMISTRY?
4. You hate it when people ask if there are flying cars in the future. Of course there are. Stupid heads.
5. You have a dog named Buckholtz, named after the great South Farkian physicist who won't be born for another 300 years in a country that doesn't exist yet (formed when Iceland merged with Lumpyria, another country that also does not yet exist.)
6. You have the power of invisibility.
7. You have a 950-year-old bottle of Woot Cellars wine that you've been saving for a special occasion.
9. You never liked the number 8, so you had it removed from the numeral system.
10. You've never met a beet you didn't like.