Love is a many slumbered thing.
"Wha - aw, jeez, Stammy, what are you doing ringing my doorbell at three in the morning? I was asleep upstairs."
"Bram, I have to tell you something, and it can't wait any longer: Your mattress and I are in love."
"Am I still asleep?"
"No, Bram, you're not dreaming. This is real. My feelings are real. I won't stand idle while a beautiful thing passes me by. I am in love with your mattress and I'd like to ask for its hand in marriage."
"Stam, you can't marry my mattress. You can't marry my mattress for all kinds of reasons."
"Well, I'd really prefer you carefully consider things before you give me an answer. You're dealing with my emotions here. My heart is in your hands."
"Let's confront with the easiest obstacle first, Stammy. If you marry my mattress, where will I sleep?"
"Where what now?"
"Where will I sleep?"
"Did I just hear you right? You're sleeping with your mattress?!"
"In a manner of speaking, I guess."
"You … you … you VILE CUR! You DISGUSTING SCUMBAG!"
"But - "
"I'm calling the authorities."