Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
DENVER (UPI) -- Denver fast food chain Smashburger said its poll indicates U.S. adults would rather have a burger with President Barack Obama than Mitt Romney.
But U.S. kids would rather they serve pizza! YAY PIZZA!
BALTIMORE (UPI) -- A man who completed the Baltimore Marathon in 2 hours, 46 minutes and 58 seconds in flip flops said he will seek to enter the Guinness Book of World Records.
Insiders say the man is essentially a lock for "Least Fashionable Marathon Runner."
L'AQUILA, Italy (UPI) -- Six Italian scientists have been sentenced to prison over a deadly 2009 earthquake, with prosecutors arguing they made falsely reassuring statements.
A spokesperson for science says that, from now on, all peer reviewed journals will be accompanied by a small sticker that reads "For Entertainment Purposes Only."
DAVIE, Fla. (UPI) -- Strong winds forced a blimp-like airship carrying an ad for Republican Mitt Romney's presidential campaign to make an emergency landing in Florida, police said.
English majors are still debating if this should count as irony, foreshadowing or symbolism.
MILAN, Italy, Oct. 22 (UPI) -- Ex-Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said George Clooney will testify on his behalf, proving he did not have sex with an underage prostitute.
Logic experts raised a finger to protest, then remembered what happened to the earthquake scientists and decided to just roll with it.