Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
SUNDERLAND, England (UPI) -- Experts in northeastern England are trying to determine whether adders in the region are becoming overly inbred as their numbers decline.
Mathematicians say the problem lies in the order of operations, which requires the snakes to multiply before they know they are adders.
TORONTO (UPI) -- By varying degrees, some 65 percent of Canadians agree that brothels should be legalized, a poll published Tuesday in Toronto suggested.
Sources say these findings prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that a majority of Canadians believe hungry people should have easy access to broth.
CHICAGO (UPI) -- Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel's office marked April Fool's Day by claiming the official was using the Freedom of Information Act to "learn more about himself."
Later in the afternoon, Emanuel kicked in his own door and intimidated himself into backing down and dropping the request before anyone close to himself wound up dead.
LAS VEGAS (UPI) -- A spokeswoman for the Luxor Las Vegas said officials do not know the origin of a group of orbs filmed floating over the hotel and casino.
Producers would neither confirm nor deny that the orbs were related to a new, Michael Bay-directed reboot of The Hangover.
PORTLAND, Maine (UPI) -- Boston-based athletic shoe-maker New Balance made President Barack with a pair of custom running shoes to show support for U.S. manufacturing growth.
And in a related story, corporate outsourcing has finally reached headline writers.