Mindless Dribble: The Season (Dis)continues

by Sean Adams

The players have refused to accept the owners’ offer! Well, guess what? I refuse to accept that they’ve refused to accept the owners’ offer. Because the first stage of grieving is denial. So here’s a couple more recaps of games that were supposed to happen. First, I’m reaching back and  covering a game that I missed from opening week first.

11/3/11 – Orlando Magic at Miami Heat


Before the game, fans stand and cheer as the Miami Heat raise their 2011 championship banner.

Earlier in the day, Heat General Manager Pat Riley told the press, “If everyone could just pretend it’s real, that’d be great. These guys were so down after losing to the Mavs last spring, it was just too much for me to handle. So I was like, ‘hey, guys – those finals were just a joke! The real finals was that series against the Celtics! And we won!’ That made them feel a lot better, but if they were to find out the truth, it would just break their hearts. Now if you’ll all excuse me, I need to suit up for the game. Because I’m not just the GM. I’m the new starting center.”

Speaking of centers, Magic big man Dwight Howard, known on and off the court for being a fun-loving guy, plays the entire game dressed like a ballerina, which is hilarious. He becomes the first player in NBA history to record a triple-double (32 points, 12 rebounds, and 68 blocks on opposing center, Pat Riley) while wearing a tutu. Unfortunately his team provides him with no support, going 2 for 32 from 3-point land. Forward Hedo Turkoglu, in particular, really phones in his performance. Like, he literally calls up coach Stan Van Gundy from Turkey and tells him what he would do, had he shown up to play. It’s mostly, “Pass to Dwight” and “Shoot a long three with plenty of time on the clock.”

Heat forward Lebron James and guard Dwayne Wade, meanwhile, manage to score all of their team’s points, all on alley-oops to each other, and celebrate each one by doing a jig – a cocky display that Cleveland sports journalists would surely rant about, had they not been swallowed up, along with their entire city, by a sink hole in the off season.

Final Score: Heat 102, Magic 70

Now, back on schedule.

11/10/11 – San Antonio Spurs at Portland Trailblazers


While The Portland Trailblazers’ starting lineup is being announced, a car that has taken several wrong turns on its way to Powell’s Books somehow ends up driving onto the court and running over the entire team. All suffer season-ending injuries except for LeMarcus Aldridge (miraculously unscathed), who will have to play the entire 82 game season all by himself. He is heard mumbling, “Not again,” under his breath just before tip-off.

Seeing the sorry state of the opposition, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, rests his entire starting lineup except for shooting guard Manu Ginobli, who wears a fake mustache and pretends to be Aldridge’s sole teammate in order to get easy steals. Legendary forward Tim Duncan uses the time to catch up on his reading and posts some pretty impressive stats on his Goodreads page.

Final Score: Spurs 82, Blazers 26

Big games coming up: we’ve got Celtics vs. Magic and Lakers vs. Knicks. Keep an eye out for those next week!

Top Photo by Flickr member HumongoNationphotogallery. Second Photo by Flickr member paulcole. Both used under a Creative Commons License.