Plus You Get A Free NSA Tote Bag: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

SEATTLE (UPI) -- U.S. President Barack Obama told Democratic Party supporters in Washington state Friday voters face a "stark" choice in the 2012 elections.

Experts are already predicting that Robert Downey Jr. will emerge victorious over Sean Bean, but fans of that guy who was in Farscape say their candidate is being unfairly shut out by the media.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- A new federal law allows commercial drones to fly over the United States by late 2015, officials said.

Commercial-free drones will fly thanks to the David H. Koch Charitable Foundation, The Carlyle Group, and the support of viewers like you.

VATICAN CITY (UPI) -- Pope Benedict XVI elevated 22 cardinals Saturday in a Vatican ceremony at St. Peter's Basilica, officials said.

There was polite applause, but everyone said it wasn't as good as an earlier trick, where His Holiness sawed a lady in half.

NEW CASTLE, Pa. (UPI) -- A Pennsylvania man who had to call firefighters when his backyard smokehouse caught fire said 200 pounds of kielbasa appear to have escaped harm.

Unfortunately, because of a poorly timed wink during his statement, the man is now facing a multi-million dollar harassment suit.

ATLANTA (UPI) -- Soccer star David Beckham took home top honors at Cartoon Network's second annual Hall of Game Awards in Atlanta.

Meanwhile, in Europe, Jake and Finn scored two goals against Manchester United.