Father's Day is rapidly approaching (you're welcome for the reminder), but dads are notoriously difficult to shop for. This year, we asked two dads from opposite ends of the spectrum just what they'd like to do...
This Father's Day, Keep it XTREME!
By Chet Steele
Yo yo yo YO! Sup, my peeps? It's your dad here, aka El Daderino, aka the Dadster, aka Big Poppa Pain, bringin' you a special Father's Day message for the dudes who are dads in your lives. When it comes to pickin' out a Father's Day gift, remember the golden rule:
KEEP IT XTREME!
Take it from me, kids. We're dads, not DEAD. Just because our younger days are long gone doesn't mean we're not still wild, crazy, and studly. And unless you want to bore your dad into an early grave, you need to come up with an appropriately awesome gift.If you're thinking of getting your dad a tie, do yourself a favor and slap your face as hard as you possibly can. Then go to the store and buy him a bungie cord instead so he can fling himself off the nearest bridge and catch a sweet rush! Grilling supplies? That seems nice...for a HOMEBODY! If your old man's a fan of fire, then get him what he REALLY wants: a flamethrower! You can't get much more XTREME than charring some steaks under a roaring rush of napalm! And before you go wasting your money on craft brews or some other kind of hooch, you should know that the COOL dads drink energy drinks! To keep it XTREME! So pick him up a 12-pack of Monster instead!
I'm telling you kids, do your dads a favor: get XTREME!Catch you later, bro-hams. I gotta pick up Stacey at her clarinet lessons. ON MY JET SKI!
A Tame Father's Day Would Be Perfectly Acceptable to Me.
by Arthur Wickens
Please, don't go to too much trouble. Just having you guys around is gift enough. If you really insist on getting me something, there's a new book on the presidency of Lyndon B. Johnson that I'd enjoy reading. You shouldn't, though, I'll just buy it the next time I head into town.Dinner? Well, I don't want to make a big deal of it. No no, definitely not a steak. I have to keep my triglycerides down. Maybe we could go to that place with the salads. A nice salad and an unsweetened ice tea would sure hit the spot on Father's Day. I don't often treat myself like that.
It's such a nice day, too. I think I'll go mow the lawn before we go to dinner.