Prospera PL009 Electronic Pulse Massager

by wootbot

False Positives

Not getting one of these massagers could be a pain in the neck … literally.

RESEARCHER: Thank you for volunteering to participate in our research study. Today we're going to analyze the efficacy of positive reinforcement as a motivation for lying. The subject in the next room will be asked a series of questions. When they give an incorrect answer, you will push this button, which will administer a positive reward in the form of a massage from the Prospera Electronic Pulse massager, a compact, portable, micro-computer-controlled device. Be aware, however, that if the subject turns out to be an exceptionally adept liar, we may have to replace the pads.

VOLUNTEER: Fair enough. So what happens when they get the answer right?

RESEARCHER: When the subject gives a correct answer, no reward will be given. I have to warn you, however, it isn't pleasant. But no matter how much the subject begs, you are not to administer the Prospera's high frequency pain-relief stimulation unless an incorrect answer is given. Is that clear?

VOLUNTEER: Sounds easy enough, yes.

RESEARCHER: OK. Let's begin. Question 1. True or False … 50% of first-time marriages end in divorce?

SUBJECT: True!

RESEARCHER: I'm sorry, that is correct. Please do not administer the positive reward.

SUBJECT: Ouch! Hey! I thought you said I got the answer right?

VOLUNTEER: I didn't push any buttons. What happened?

RESEARCHER: Nothing to worry about. You see, this subject has a stiff neck and chronic back pain. Without a therapeutic massage from the ergonomically designed Prospera, the subject is naturally experiencing minor discomfort.

VOLUNTEER: OK. If you say so.

RESEARCHER: Let's move on. Question 2. True or False … Infidelity is the number one reason that 50% of first-time marriages end in divorce?

SUBJECT: Uh … False?

RESEARCHER: Oooh. Correct again. While infidelity is certainly a devastating factor in the disintegration of an otherwise perfectly happy and loving union between two high school sweethearts with three adorable and precocious children, it is no longer considered the number one reason. Please do not administer the positive reward.

SUBJECT: AHHHHH! Come on, man! That really hurts!

VOLUNTEER: What is going on? I swear I didn't press any buttons, but that guy really seems like he's being shocked or something.

RESEARCHER: This is exactly what I warned you about. The subject is so disappointed that he doesn't get to enjoy one of five automatic massage programs that he's acting out. Please, let's proceed.

VOLUNTEER: I dunno. He really sounds like he's …

RESEARCHER: Question 3. True or False … You were with my wife last night, WEREN'T YOU?!

SUBJECT: Bob? Is that you?

RESEARCHER: A-HA! I knew it!

VOLUNTEER: What exactly is going on here?

RESEARCHER: You know what let's just move on to Question 4. True or False … 2+2=4

SUBJECT: FALSE! That statement is 100% false! Two plus two absolutely does NOT equal AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

VOLUNTEER: Hey! He got that one wrong! He should have gotten a massage!

RESEARCHER: You stay out of this!

SUBECT: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Please! Stop! Hurts … so … bad. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

VOLUNTEER: This is messed up. I'm out of here.