Today is Woot’s third birthday – we’re almost potty-trained! – so welcome to the party. But instead of taking home a goodie bag, how about a Bag O’ Crap? The Internet’s most beloved consumer ripoff returns for a celebratory reel around the crap fountain. Whatever you do, don’t buy it. Come on, it says “crap” right there in the name. What are you, nuts?
If you must proceed, CHECK THIS OUT. Somebody misunderstands this concept every time, so please READ THE BIG PRINT:
1. WHEN YOU ORDER THIS ITEM, YOU’RE ORDERING ONE (1) BAG WITH up to THREE (3) PIECES OF CRAP IN IT.
2. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SELECTING THE QUANTITY: THREE WHEN YOU ORDER.
3. YOU WILL WASTE FREIGHT IF YOU ORDER FEWER THAN THREE. And you’ll get less crap. Wait, why is that bad again? Do you people really need more crap?
You’re only getting one bag, no matter what. The order quantity you select is the number of crappy items we’ll put in your bag. Select THREE. Later, you’ll enjoy the satisfaction of taunting the surprisingly large number of less observant Wooters who ordered less than THREE.
We make absolutely no promises about the quality or the desirability of these bags or their contents, except to promise that their quality will be low and their desirability will be non-existent. We will take your money and send you literal garbage in return. Happy birthday to us!
THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v2.0:
I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond one bag of some kind and your chosen quantity of crappy items (which should be THREE).
II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.
III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.
IV. Thou shalt not order just one crap and blame it on anything but your own inattention.
V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.
- The crap will be shipped via SmartPost, the crappiest shipping method available to us.