Random Crap

by Wootbot

Bag o’ Crap LIV: Here’s How it Works

We’re going to dispel some myths once and for all.

We get a lot of gripes, moans, and thinly-veiled threats in the forums when people don’t score a Bag o’ Crap. There’s a lot of “Missed it again!” or “Oh come on, you idiots! Upgrade your servers already!” or “OMG I HAVE BEEN A WOOTER FOR OVER 743 YEARS AND I HAVE STILL NOT GOTTEN A BAG OF CRAP! I HATE YOU PEOPLE AND I AM NEVER EVER EVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN, EVER. I WILL BURN MY CREDIT CARDS AND DESTROY MY COMPUTER BEFORE I EVER LOOK AT YOUR STUPID SITE AGAIN!11!1!!eleventy!”

It’s really not as great as everyone makes it out to be, we promise.

So to clear up any confusion and hopefully eliminate the hurt feelings, we’re giving you a glimpse of what goes into getting a Bag of Crap.

ORDERING

Once the sale goes live, our servers carefully filter all usernames so that only those who have already acquired a minimum three BOCs before have a chance to buy one. This way, it remains an exclusive club. It would lose some its luster if we let just anybody buy one.

Sure, it may seem frustrating. But if you already had one you wouldn’t want another, would you? See how your logic folds in on itself?

PACKAGING

Deep in the catacombs of Woot HQ each BOC is carefully hand-packed by a high-ranking caste in the Woot hierarchy, the Selectors. They ensure that every package contains at least one 72” flatscreen TV, a BluRay player with Netflix subscription, and no less than four gold bars. The remaining contents vary but usually include caviar, champagne, the latest model of Lexus sedan, and a small private jet.

SHIPPING

Each package is then strapped to the backs of muscular, half-naked men or women (our computers analyze the buyer’s username to determine which would be more desirable) with bodies so lean and perfect they appear to be chiseled from polished marble. They’re preceded by a chorus of trumpets and a small group of children dropping rose petals before their feet.

DELIVERY

Upon receipt of the BOC, the buyer is lifted onto a gleaming golden throne while trumpets announce to all within earshot that now is the time to bask in the greatness of a BOC recipient. A seven-day festival follows, with great feasts and carnal dancing. On the seventh night, the half-naked men or women return to our warehouse to rest their weary, nubile bodies for the next WootOff.

So as you can see, it’s not that big a deal.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.
II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.
III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.
IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.
V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.