Bag o’ Crap LXII: Crapril Showers
Speed up our servers? We’d rather slow down our customers.
You know, the typically uncouth scramble for Bags O’ Crap demeans us all (if it’s even possible to demean someone who either sells or buys something called a Bag O’ Crap). It’s frustrating for consumers, taxing for our servers – and does nothing to distribute Bags O’ Crap according to the diligence or merit of the customer.
So today we’re trying something new. Make sure you’re logged in. Click the “I WANT ONE” button. That will usher you into the world of Crapshoot, America’s slowest-throwing Flash game sensation. You’ll assume the role of a trusty freight snail and deliver Bags O’ Crap to everyone who wants one, until you die. Weep not for the snails. They’re bred to deliver crap. It’s all they know. It’s all they love.
Each level of the game has a certain number of Bags O’ Crap allotted to it. When the Level 1 bags are sold out, we’ll move on to Level 2, and so on. You have to complete that level of the game in order to buy a Bag O’ Crap. If you fall short, you’ll have to start again at the beginning. It’ll go on like that through Level 10, when all the Bags O’ Crap will be sold out.
And you thought we couldn’t make this Bag O’ Crap thing any more infuriating! Crappy April Fool’s Day, suckers!
THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0
I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.
II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.
III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.
IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.
V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.