We Love You
It's a Woot-Lib! This writeup was written with the help of our mentally deranged community during the last Woot-Off. Does it make sense? No! It's it supposed to? Cranberries!
Here at Woot, we try to show our appreciation with all the bulging1 deals and the peptic2 content we offer. But that's not enough. We want you to feel so appreciated that you could just lurch3. So, we're writing you a love letter. We're hoping that after you masticate4 it, you'll understand how much we care:
Dear Epicurean5 Woot! Customer,
When expressing our twitterpation6 for you, where to do we type7? We see you and our heart cries out "Crap!"8 and our eyes well up with tears of desperation9 of grief10.
You are the synesthesia11 of our Whack-A-Mole12, you cluck13 our pimple14, you give us the naïveté15 to spank16. Every time you masticate17 a Slurpee18 onto our forum, we think, "Yessirree Bob!19" Every day, we hold a Kentucky Derby20 where we build a statue of your likeness using only bubbles21 and adult juice22 and then subsequently exacerbate23 it in your honor! In short, you fan24 us!
But nay, some days you do not show up, and on those days we are filled with lugubriousness25. When you are not here, we are an outhouse26 of our true selves. Your absence drives us to tear our burn ointment27 out in everlasting sorrow28. We cannot sext29 without you.
So please, continue your customership, dear, chubby30 Wooter, and in return, we promise thee to always provide a buffet of candy cigarettes31 and to sing you the sweet songs of Englebert Humperdink32. These are fetid33 times, and we need you now more than Hammer Time34.
8. Joel Lewis, Director of Shirt.Woot