Savage Sounds of the Woot Podcast!

by Matthew Norman

Super Bowl, schmuper bowl—we spent most of the weekend combing through our archives looking for forgotten treasures. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t rewarding, and it wasn’t even very much fun.

But from literally hundreds of recordings, finally we selected a few that might stand up to a second listen.

So, just as we promised last week, here’s a plumber’s dozen of the least-terrible Woot podcasts for your listening pleasure. We’ve also provided album cover art below, in case your fancy newfangled mp3 player supports it.

Click "read more" to, er, hear more!

01. A Hub A Hub
This song accompanied the Toshiba Docking Station and USB Hub we sold on July 26, 2006. Of the hundreds of ditties the Woot podcast team has ground out, this song is probably the acme of our lyric-writing achievement. See if you’re clever enough to catch the references to a certain English Romantic poet and Laran, the Etruscan god of war, in the second verse!

02. I’m Gonna Melt Some Chocolate Down
Like a sexy vampire, the fulsome beat of “I’m Gonna Melt Some Chocolate Down” nauseates even as it arouses. The song was written for the Salton Chocolate Treat Maker Two-Pack we ran on December 12, 2006.

03. Stranded In My Car
We’re going to go ahead and claim that the terrifying scenario described in this song helped us sell a record-setting number of Vector Jump Start Systems with Air Compressors on September 29, 2006. After all, no one’s going to go back and check.

04. A Little Chicken Limb
September 18, 2007 was Chicken Day on the Woot network, with a 2-pack of SnacDaddy wing plates on woot and our “Hot Wings” tee on shirt.woot. This was the soundtrack that had us all doing the funky farmyard fowl.

05. “Cats & Dogs” Wherever I Go
The date was November 9. The year: 2006. The item for sale on Woot was an Audiovox Portable DVD Player. The podcast was this heartfelt paean to the 2001 film that remains our favorite piece in Sean Hayes’s ouevre, which isn’t actually saying all that much.

06. Kim Jong Il, Would You Please Just Chill?
When North Korean nuke tests were in the news back in October of 2006, internet users around the world yearned for the in-depth geopolitical analysis that can only be found in the Woot podcast. They might not have said so, but they did, they totally yearned. And the podcast team obliged.

07. Coffee, Coffee, Coffee
Want to know a secret about this podcast for the Cuisinart Grind and Brew Thermal 10-Cup Coffee Maker we ran on April 24, 2006? No one on our podcast team even drinks coffee. That sipping sound at the end is just water. Ah, sound effects magic!

08. Might Have Seen A Monster
This bouncy little number went online on Hallowe’en of 2007. More than anything else, it demonstrates how few words there are that rhyme with “Dracula.”

09. Washington & Lincoln
Our Presidents’ Day salute to half of the heads on Rushmore, this patriotic hymn ran on February 16, 2007. President Buchanan, one day you’ll get your musical due, too!

10. Wesley Snipes, Don’t Let Them Take You To Jail
Our records aren’t so good for October, 2006, so we can’t tell you what day this podcast debuted. We can tell you, though, that the podcast team badly wanted to re-run it a few days ago when Wes’s tax troubles were in the news again. Anything to get out of a day’s work, those guys.

11. I’M IN UR KITCHN SCRUBBN UR FL00RZ
In an attempt to push yet another semi-autonomous floor-cleaning machine on the wooting public, we kicked it old school, busting sick rhymes on the subject of the iRobot Scooba on August 7, 2006. Whether it had any effect on sales, no one recalls.

12. Center Channel Speaker in the Middle
This song, written for the Boston Acoustics center channel speaker we sold on March 7 of 2007, is based on a true story.

13. C-Span Beach Party
The podcast about Honestech’s My-IPTV Anywhere Deluxe gizmo back on September 5, 2007, somehow failed to spark a watching-C-Span-while-sunbathing fad. We should have run it in the summer, probably.

14. I Never Got to Tell You – Dude, You’re Gonna Get Yourself Killed (Song for the Crocodile Hunter)
If we recall correctly, this song for Steve Irwin was actually created to answer a Listener Mailbag email in which some wooter requested a song about the untimely demise of everyone’s favorite wildlife annoyer. “Too soon,” we thought, but it was like the first request the podcast had ever received (besides STFU), so we answered it.

There you have ‘em! Fourteen Woot podcasts, back from the grave! No doubt we neglected the only one you ever liked very much. Tell us all about it!