Sean University: Badge Attitude

by Sean Adams

To get into my office here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership (SAUBMDL), I have to scan a badge. This might seem annoying, but here’s the thing: you know who doesn’t have badges? Wolves! That’s who! And so as long as I have to scan a badge to get in, I can rest assured that there’s no need to worry about bloodthirsty wolves in the office. It makes me feel safe.

Now, when you’re starting your own business, you’ve got to consider how many bloodthirsty wolves do you want around. Was your answer anything other than zero? Then you’re not fit to run a business. GET OUT! GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW! For the rest of you, though, we here at Sean University would like to offer you some advice on designing the perfect badge for your business.

The front of the badge will identify employees coming into the building:

A lot of amateur badges will just have one picture, but employees don’t look exactly the same every day. Which is why your business’s badge should have at least four pictures, covering the following contingencies...

A) what the employee looks like usually

B) what the employee will look like on Casual Friday

C) what the employee will look like if he grows a mustache (you never know when a mustache will strike your business)

D) what it will look like if your employee dies (Note: This should be a computer-generated photo. If it isn’t that means you’re paying a dead-guy. If an employee starts to look like this, immediately report him to HR.)

With these four pictures, your security guards will have no problem identifying your employees. Under that is the standard stuff:

E) what other people call the employee

F) what you call the employee

G) the barcode to the scanner machine (because for some reason it’s not allowed to have it tattooed on each employee’s forehead! People these days! They get so worked up about petty things.)

That’s all the stuff you need for your employees to get in the door. But what about once they’re in the office? Sure the front of the badge will help people learn each other’s names. But how do you help employees understand their standing in the company or how they should interact with each other? That’s where the back of the badge comes in:

back of badge

Here you’ll find each employee’s vital stats:

H) This is everyone the employee is higher than in the company. If you don’t see your face here, feel free to delegate however much work you want onto him as long as…

I) his intelligence is low enough that he won’t realize you’re taking advantage of him. Here, our employee is about as smart as a dog or a bonsai tree. So, you’re probably okay to throw anything his way. Still, he might get angry, in which case, you’ll need to know if he can…

J) beat you up with his karate moves. This employee is particularly dangerous because, on top of the standard chop and kick, he knows the fireball. Of course, when entering a deadly fight with someone, it’s also important to know…

K) what they have to live for in this world. Here, the employee only has his two cats, which can spell trouble if you try to take him on.

This is a good template to follow, but obviously more can be added. What would you put on your company’s badge, students?