Sean University: Bat-cha we can help with that bat!

by Sean Adams

How do you get into your business? That’s simple: through a door, of course. And why does everyone use doors? Because they’re so easy. You just turn a knob, open it, walk through, and you’re done. But you know what that means? Other stuff can get through them too. LIKE ANIMALS! SUCH AS BATS!

Bats aren’t only distracting and scary. They also kill employee morale because they sleep all day. Your workers see one hanging from the ceiling doing nothing and they think, “Man, I wish I was a bat.” Then everyone’s feeling down and no one’s working because they’re all on the internet looking up where they can get transformative bat surgery. It’s terrible.

No, if a bat gets into your office, you’ve got to do something about it. Not sure what? Well, then it’s good you decided to read this lesson! You see, when it comes to bat-catching the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership’s faculty are ranked #1 in the nation. In fact, we once concluded a seminar by saying, “with these changes it’ll be no time before your business is batting 1000!” and then releasing a thousand bats. And let me tell you, we were able to catch and remove 75% of those bats, leaving only 250 in the Ramada Inn conference room.

So, if a bat gets into your office, take the following steps:

Step 1: Before you try to remove it, make sure the bat doesn’t possess any job skills that would be valuable to your company. As stated above, bats mostly just hang out, but you never know: maybe that’s because nobody’s ASKED them to work.

[If the bat is a good worker, then…]

Step 2: Get him a bat-sized desk and find a spot for him, which should be easy, since he’ll probably want to work on the ceiling anyway. (You might need a strong adhesive to get the desk up there).

Step 3: Start hiring more bats. They save space and work when the rest of your employees are asleep.

Step 4: Once you’ve got a solid team of bats working for you, it’s time to tell the press. You’ve got a unique business model! Milk it for publicity!

Step 5: You’re going to get some copycats. Other businesses are going to start actively recruiting bats. They might even try to hire the bats in your office right out from above you. You need to stay ahead of these people. That’s why you should find one standout bat (maybe the original bat?) to promote to an executive-level position. You’ll be the first business with a bat executive!

Step 6: When the Bats For a Better Tomorrow For Bats Foundation presents you with the Workplace Equality Award, accept it graciously. Keep your speech modest and humble. No one likes a bragger.

[If the bat just keeps acting like a bat and doesn’t want to work…]

Step 2(b): Catch the bat and remove it from your office.

We hope this helps! Now, it’s your turn. Ever have a bat get into your office? Or your house? Tell us your story in the comments.