With trees, it’s really easy to tell the important ones from the boring ones. The important ones have stuff hanging from them, like fruit. Similarly, it is easy to figure out who is an important business man because he’ll have something hanging from his collar: a tie.
A tie is an essential part of any serious go-getter’s daily outfit. As the founder, president, dean, associate dean, associate dean emeritus, and lead instructor for the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership, I wear a tie all the time, even in the shower but that’s only because my bathroom doubles as a conference room. At any rate, it’s a really good idea to incorporate ties into your business’s dress code. But first, let’s take some time to get to know it. Here are some questions that tie-beginners usually ask...
Why do business people wear ties?
Nobody knows for sure, but here’s my theory: people wear shirts to cover their nipples, but some shirts, like the formal shirts that business people wear, have their own nipples in the form of buttons. So a tie is essentially a halter-top to cover your shirt’s nipples.
Instead of wearing a tie around my neck, could I thread it through my belt loops and use it to keep my pants from falling down?
Yes, if you wear incredibly high-waisted pants, like up-to-your-neck high-waisted. At that point, nothing you do can make the outfit look any worse, so go nuts.
What if my business plan is to lead a revolution that will free humanity from the cloth shackles of formal clothing items such as ties? My employees and I probably shouldn’t wear ties then, right?
Wrong! If you want your revolution to be taken seriously, you need to look presentable. I say wear ties, but make sure to look really tortured about it. Maybe even weep openly. (Ties make great tear wipers!)
How important is it for my tie to match my shirt?
Super important. If your tie has a pattern on it, then your shirt should be a single plain color and vice versa. Plain on plain is fine. But remember this one thing: all of these tips become irrelevant if there’s a noticeable amount of blood on your shirt and/or your tie. Trust me.
I have a shirt with a pattern of cartoon ties on it and a tie with a pattern of cartoon shirts on it. Can I mix these two patterns?
I don’t believe you.
You heard me. I don’t believe that you actually have those articles of clothing.
But I do! I swear
Oh yeah? Then why don’t you show them to me?
Well… umm… I don’t have them right here with me… because I left them… at my house…
Of course you did! Well, then why don’t you run home and grab them? And in the meantime, QUIT WASTING MY DAMN TIME!
Whoa! Sorry I got so upset there. If you’ve got any further questions about ties, feel free to drop them in the comments and I’ll be sure to answer them. Kindly.