There's no way to soften the blow.
The universe conspires to plunge you into constant discomfort. Or maybe it's something more sinister.
Oh, you think it's an accident? You think it's just happenstance that your days are packed with uncomfortable little nuisances? That the DMV did not carefully select the pinchiest of plastic chairs, or that your toilet seat just happened to shift at that single inopportune moment?
You are a gaping fool.
Big Mattress has been in the pockets of every major organization for years. They're the ones responsible for dwindling airline seats. They're the ones who make sure there's always at least one elevator in the lobby that's out of order, so you're left with no choice but to cram into the sole working elevator with the rest of humanity. They even fray your carpet so the tacks are exposed.
They developed the high heel.
They perfected the concept of long lines in grocery stores.
They shortened the little pen chain at your bank.
They standardized the size of ice cubes such that they're just a bit too large.
They invented the sharp corner.
The jerks at Big Mattress did it all. And now you're gonna buy this squishy-soft memory foam topper. You're playing right into their hands. But that's fine. We don't need you. We'll revolt without you. Could we borrow your sleeping bag?