So You Want to Start A Shadowy Cabal of Assassins! Chapters 1-3

by Randall Cleveland

Greetings! If you're reading this you've taken the first step towards establishing your own sinister league of assassins for nefarious purposes: purchasing this book!


Shooting Nocturne - Assassin's Creed - Louvres - Paris - 2011-10-01- P1260121
Training is a joy when you're an assassin! And incredibly attractive.

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Sure, television and movies make it look easy, but there's a lot that goes into establishing yourself as an insidious global force of death and mayhem. Lucky for you, you've acquired the best guide on the market! Read on, and learn the inside tricks of the trade that other assassins won't share because they're too worried you'll take their business!

Chapter 1: What's in a name? Not that much, really.

You might watch movies or read comic books about assassin guilds with cool names like "The Bloodblade Society" or "Death Dragons" or "Knights of the Dark Moon" or something. Sounds cool, right? Wrong! Naming your assassin's guild is like putting a big bullseye on your back. First off, a league of assassins with a name is a league of assassins the police can try to track down. Keeping it anonymous makes you harder to track, and that goes double for other shadowy death cults you're competing with. Keep it simple! And if you absolutely need a name for payroll purposes, consider something innocuous like "Amalgamated Wiffleballs," "Dave's Restaurant Supply," or "Gymboree." People will respect an organization that leaves a Gymboree calling card at every grisly murder scene in the city.


<Cosplay - AWA14 - Ninja stalking
Another victim of the Happy Fun Toy clan.

Chapter 2: How Well-Equipped is TOO Well-Equipped?

The death-dealing business is one of razor-thin margins, but if you plan smart and work hard you too can experience one of those "results not typical" paydays you always hear about on TV. Your initial startup costs, though, will be significant. And there's none more significant than gear. Ninja swords, machine guns, laser rifles, grappling hooks, and various obscure poisons may be flashy, but you can find simpler toys to get the job done just as well and for a fraction of the cost.

For the particularly frugal assassin, consider getting really good at punching people in the face. To death.

Chapter 3: Know Who You're Hiring!

Your mind might be racing at the possibility of freelancing one of the "big names" in the business, but do your due diligence before bringing one of them aboard. For starters, A-list names tend to bring A-list demands and A-list personalities. Sure, the guy might have his own base in a cave and a 100% completion rate, but if he sews discord among the rank and file and causes you to lose two or three promising agents who won't put up with him, is he really worth it? This goes doubly for femme fatale-types, who can scheme and seduce their way through your entire agency and lead to some awkward HR paperwork.

Additionally, beware "gimmick" killers; assassins who specialize in only one weapon or insist on killing their targets in one specific way tend to have flashy names like "Whipmaster" or "Tooth Fairy" or "The Thuggish Tickler" that bring a lot of attention (see Chapter 1 for why that's bad) and also have an uncanny knack for fostering nemeses in the form of various vigilante super heroes. Once these types get involved you can kiss your profit margin goodbye and look forward to monthly raids on your hideouts, wanton property damage, and untold losses of lower-tier employees as they rip through your organization on a non-stop justice-crazed mission to erase you entirely.

In short: stick to the lean, hungry types. The "up and comers." If they get too big for their britches and want a big payday, wish them well and give a good reference. It works for the New England Patriots.

Stay tuned for more excerpts from the ONLY guide on killing for money you can trust!







Flickr photos Shooting Nocturne - Assassin's Creed - Lourvres - Paris 2011-10-01- P1260121 by yves Tennevin, Cosplay - AWA14 - Ninja stalking by Michael Mol