It's got a touchscreen. That means you better wash your hands...
Derrick, calm down! You agreed to lend me your Sony Ultrabook Touch, okay? If you didn't want me to use it as the official "Check Your Time" computer for the annual Speed-Rib-Eating Contest I sponsor, than you should have said so before handing it over.
Yes, I'll admit it: I made some mistakes. If I could go back and do it all again, I would've put the Wet Wipe station before your "Check Your Time" station, so the participants wouldn't go laying barbecue-sauce-covered fingers on the Sony's glass touchscreen display. Or, I would have been sober enough to remember to wipe it off before going to bed last night so that all that sauce wouldn't form the rock-hard shell that it did. Or at the very least, I could have thought twice before putting your laptop through the dishwasher this morning.
But I shouldn't get stuck living in the past, and neither should you, Derrick. That you had a Sony Ultrabook Touch with an Intel Core i5 processor that actually could turn on doesn't matter. Today is a new day, a day filled with waterlogged laptops and new adventures. Embrace it, Derrick. Be at peace with it, just like I am.