I know what the band's rider says, Dave, but this is as close as we're going to get to a fog machine on such short notice.I swear to you, Dave, I'm just as upset about this as you are. Of course, I want BLARGLE! to have a great show. I didn't spend the last twenty-four hours of my life making over a hundred gallons of fake blood, securing fire insurance, AND alerting conservative family groups that you were coming for free publicity just so BLARGLE! could look like the dark-robed masters of Idiocy, all right? There just aren't any fog machines available in town right now. The Fairy Land Cupcake Kids Live show reserved them all weeks ago.
Yes, I told them you were the Lords of Death Metal. Yes, I told them that to anger BLARGLE! was to anger the Apocalypse itself. Yes, of course, I offered them more money, but all anyone could come up with was this Sunbeam S1500 Garment Steamer, Dave. I'm not the necromantic wizards you guys are. If you dudes want to summon the Undead Beast of Fog Making into being, be my guest, but this is what we've got to work with until you do.
But, when you think about it, this garment steamer could work, you know? Sure, it's not fog, but the 1500 watts of continuous steam might look awesome dripping off your foreheads. They'll say you were playing with the fires of Hell inside you or something. And just think of how crisp and wrinkle-free your robes will look after the show! Instead of that fake "sacrificing an audience member" bit you guys do, maybe you could get someone to come up on stage and, uh, bless you with the "Steam of the Ancients" as they wave the cool-touch hose and special fabric brush at you. Excuse me, I mean the Cool-Touch Hose Of Calamity and Additional Special Fabric Brush. Of Death. And Other Bad Stuff.
Look, Dave, I know BLARGH! is all about gloom and doom, but let's try to muster up a little optimism here. Would throwing in an extra ten-percent of bar sales to your price make your woeful errand a little less woeful?