They Call Him "Dark Farmer" And He's Very Symbolic: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

WELLINGTON (REUTERS) A New Zealand court refused an appeal by the founder of online file-sharing site to be freed on bail, Friday, agreeing with prosecutors there was a risk he would attempt to flee before an extradition hearing.

The court says the popular site's founder will have to wait until February 22nd for his hearing, unless he purchases a subscription plan, at which point his trial will start immediately and he'll have access to multiple concurrent hearings for up to one year!

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- DC Entertainment plans to publish seven prequels to the 1986 graphic novel "Watchmen" by writer Alan Moore and artist Dave Gibbons, The Hollywood Reporter said.

The new comics will cover such favorites as Dr. Manhattan, Nite Owl, The Comedian, the guy who unloaded the pirate comics from the truck, and the previously unseen farmer who harvested the sugar cane which would later be turned into the famous pre-wrapped cubes that Rorschach ate.

INDIANAPOLIS (UPI) -- Creationism could be taught alongside the theory of evolution in Indiana schools under a bill passed by the state Senate.

Under the new law, students who fail standardized tests may find themselves held back and condemned to Hell for eternity.

SAN FRANCISCO (REUTERS) - Facebook unveiled plans for the biggest ever Internet IPO that could raise as much as $10 billion, but made it clear CEO Mark Zuckerberg will exercise almost complete control over the company, leaving investors with little say.

But Zuckerberg is alleged to be making a few concessions, such as allowing all investors their choice between a special Fishville aquarium plant or a bonus triple letter score in Words With Friends.

FLORENCE, Italy (REUTERS) - An Italian court ruled Tuesday that Francesco Schettino, the captain of the cruise liner that ran aground and capsized off the island of Giglio, killing at least 17 people, must remain under house arrest.

Also he must have supervision when playing with toys in the bath.