It's a Woot-Lib! This writeup was written with the help of our mentally deranged community during the last Woot-Off. Does it make sense? No! It's it supposed to? Cranberries!
About forty-three1% of the email we get from customers has to do with questions about how we write these sweaty2 product descriptions.
"Are they a pain in the armpit3 to write?" people ask. "Do your writers have special training, like proctologists4 get? Or could pretty much any old Gunter5 with a Lotus Notes6 do it?"
The truth is, you never know how hard something's going to be until you try it yourself. Ask anyone who's ever had to put a cape7on a dingo8 with mange9! So let's work on today's product description together and find out just how the hot dog10 is flambeed11.
The key to a really illin'12 Woot product description is something we call the Boing!13 factor. Take a look at this product, for example. First, let's try to imagine who its target market is. Is it meant for affluents14 to use in their foyers15? Is it more like something a one gazillion16-year-old would keep in his mobile dog grooming station17? Sometimes this is a simple question to answer. Like, obviously cow tipping18 gear is for middle aged grail hunting archaeologists19, and women's lingerie20 stuff is for non-white Anglo Catholics21. Other times the intended customer will be somewhat more difficult to identify. You'll figure it out, though.
And figure it out you must, if only so you can talk to that person in language he or she recognizes. Like, if you were selling egg-beaters22 to crusties23, you'd probably want to drop a Wookie24 phrase, like "balrgh-targh25" (which translates literally as "eye-gouge26 my red-headed step child's27 thorax28"!, but has an idiomatic meaning closer to "Your Woot is weak, old man!29"). Or, if you're trying to relate to Badgers, 18-4230, maybe throw in some "like totally31" slang. It's very important to keep up with slang! It can give your descriptions the ring of authenticity! For example, have you heard the new thing in Arkham Asylum32 is to call Sonic Screwdrivers33 "mitosis34-sundaes35"? You have to know this stuff.
The other important element in any Woot product description is a bloviating36 sense of humor. Don't be afraid to use popular-cultural references, like to Ironside37, or a Frankie Laine38 song, or that time Mork39 tried to teach a snapping turtle40 to play the huqin41. (Wasn't that what happened in that episode? The one that guest-starred Judy Garland42? It's been a long time since we saw that show; maybe we're confusing it with Ruth43.) Anyway, feel free to be silly, even irreverent -- but keep it light. No one wants to read hurricane44 jokes in a writeup about a power supply45.
Tip: A good test of whether a writeup is funny or not is to read it aloud. If it's not funny enough, read it again, but in Snagglepuss's46 voice. That makes almost everything funny. Seriously, try it with Gilgamesh47; you'll see.
Oh, wait, we never even mentioned the product features. That's OK -- at the very end just tack on a line about how the carafe48 is "ergonomic" or something.
And there you have it! Once you get the hang of it, writing a really small49 Woot product description is a piece of babke50. It just takes a little persistence, a little ball and socket51 grease, and a Maslovian52 frame of mind. fantastic53 work, everybody! Let's knock off early for ripe tomatoe54-infused Ouzo55 White Russians56!
23. Jason Toon
26. Jason Toon
27. red-headed step child