Vornado Whole Room Heater

by wootbot

Breaking News

There's been a slight misunderstanding. We'd like to take this time to clear that up.

SMARMY NEWSCASTER:
This is Clyde Brinkley reporting live from the scene of what is already being called the world's most destructive natural disaster, the Vornado. I have been told it is a tornado that originates from the crater of a volcano, and that it moves at speeds up to 200 miles per hour while flinging hot molten lava across the landscape. Scientists are left scratching their heads while citizens are still trying to make sense of what just occurred.

I'm here with an eyewitness of this confounding event. Cleta, can you tell me what happened here today?

TOOTHLESS REDNECK EYEWITNESS:
Well, it was like somethin outta one dem picture shows what they put on the TV. First dere was wind and den dere was fire. Den dere was wind and fire. I dint know what ter make of it all. I just grabbed my dog and said, "C'mon, Dusty! We either gonna burn alive or be blown ter smithereens if we done stay here!" So we just run and laid down real flat like in the crick out back until it passed. I figured two birds one stone, ya know?

CLYDE:
Thanks for that, Cleta. And now, this just in: It seems the makers of the Vornado Whole Room Heater would like to clarify that their product is not responsible for today's events and should in no way be considered alarming or dangerous. And here is that official statement from the CEO:

VORNADO CEO:
First of all, on behalf of the Vornado Whole Room Heater, I would like to express my deep and sincere condolences for all the people affected by today's frightening ordeal. I would also like to take this time to state for the record that the Vornado Whole Room Heater was neither directly nor indirectly involved.

While the Vornado responsible for today's mass destruction is completely terrifying, the Vornado Whole Room Heater is actually quite pleasant. Whereas today's Vornado produced a vortex of molten lava that burned this town completely to the ground in minutes, the Vornado Whole Room Heater simply produces a vortex of warm air and circulates it throughout the entire room to eliminate hot and cold spots.

Additionally, while today's Vornado created a sound that can be likened to the hand of God literally tearing through the heavens and bitch-slapping the Earth, the Vornado Whole Room Heater is whisper quiet.

And finally, a clear differentiator is that people will run and scream in fear from the fiery horror that is the Vornado of Death, whereas your family and friends will all cheerfully gather 'round the cool-touch exterior of the Vornado Whole Room Heater while enjoying cups of spiced cider and the company of others.

CLYDE:
And there you have it. The Vornado Whole Room Heater, not to be confused with the fire-spewing vortex of death and destruction of the same name. Now back to you, Rodge.