What Super Bowl Commercials Say About You

by Randall Cleveland

Commercials don't just come out of thin air, y'know. A lot of time, thought, and money goes into distilling an advertiser's product into the perfect message that resonates with you, the 18-25 year-old male with disposable income. And lots of research has shown that the message that resonates most is the one that makes you think, "I'm just like that guy."

(Before you lay into us for focusing entirely on men and neglecting the female demographic, please understand that if advertisers cared enough to notice women have grown a bit since the days of Wilma Flintstone, we'd be happy to include those ads as well.)

So with that mind, what did Sunday's big ad-stravaganza say about how advertisers see you?

Dodge Thinks You Are: A Resentful, Henpecked Man-Child

If you're trying to prove that your car is big, fast, and tough, I guess you need to convince men that they're not already any of those things. I guess the FCC has a problem with the Charger's original pitch: "Dodge Charger. Buy it. Unless you're a total p&^%$*," so we got this instead.

You, according to Dodge, are simply going through the motions, completely emasculated by your spouse and hating every minute of your soulless existence with her. They never bother to explain how it got to the point where you can't utter a single opinion of your own, but you might consider plunking down that $30,000 on some couples therapy rather than a car with crappy gas mileage....

Doritos Thinks You Are: A Thieving Date Rapist

Ah, out of the mouths of babes! Kids have such a refreshing honesty, and that certainly relates to America's obsession with highly-processed, corn-based junk food. Pay no attention to the fact that this kid's single mother is so strapped for cash trying to make ends meet that the little guy eats corn chips instead of vegetables!

You, according to Doritos, have a perpetual stink of sexual deviance on you so thick that a child presumably too young to know what sex is feels threatened enough to physically assault you. Additionally, he feels the need to preemptively scold you for lusting after his Doritos as well. Your Eddie Haskel grin and cheap Tommy Hilfiger cologne may have fooled a lonely, isolated single mom, but her street-smart toddler can see right through you. I assume the shame should make you want to go home and eat some chips as you drift in and out of various Yahoo chat rooms looking for your next mark.

FLO TV Thinks You Are: Unable to Relate to Humans Without Television

Football fans watch football. Duh! So why would you make a commercial that doesn't look like football, am I right, fellas? Life in general would be better with an in-game commentary, highlights, and copious amounts of corporate sponsorships. This awkward dinner with your overbearing mother brought to you by Campbell's!

You, according to FLO TV, cannot bear the company of your family for even an hour in which you are focused entirely on the task of not killing them in a horrible car crash. The kids' constant "playing" coupled with your nagging wife's screams at them to settle down (because everyone knows dads don't discipline) make you consider running your Kia off the bridge. Thank goodness for the pacifying mental sedation of television! This will be great in case the kids' PSPs and iPhones inexplicably die!

Dr. Pepper Thinks You Are: The Kind of Guy Who Sees a Dwarf at the Mall and Points and Laughs

Everyone loves KISS, right? What could be more relevant than a band that got famous entirely because of its wanton insistence on branding any and every product they could, as opposed to any sort of musical talent?! What? A group of little people who imitate such a band? Perfect! And who wouldn't want to drink whatever Gene Simmons drinks?! Just not out of the same glass, I hope.

You, according to Dr. Pepper, have such an infantile sense of humor that the fact that people who are born smaller than everyone else even exist is hilarious to you. You can't help it. They're just so little! And if they didn't want your attention they shouldn't have been so different! This commercial presumes that you are at home watching TV because your volunteer hours at the burn ward were cut after you spent four hours asking people, "Eeew. What's wrong with your face?!"

Bud Light Thinks You Are: A Beer-Mooching Fratboy Alcoholic

Ah, beer. It's so good, right? Imagine if you could have beer any time you wanted, all the time! It'd be like living in beer, right? That would be totally awesome! So awesome, in fact, I wouldn't even care what kind of beer it was or how bad it tasted!

You, according to Bud Light, are so obsessed with the consumption of watery  beer that upon learning your friend was living in a house made of aluminum cans your first act would be to pull the whole thing down around you in a maelstrom of Hulk-like alcoholism. Even drinking your way through the bathroom wall to discover a showering woman is no deterrent to you and your unquenchable thirst for cheap booze.

GoDaddy.com Thinks You Are: Incredibly Sexually Frustrated

Man, I'd totally register a domain name if the process just had a little more sex appeal. I mean, web hosting's cool and all, but I'm a man, and I need a little spice in every single aspect of my life. I even have naked lady orthopedic shoe inserts!

You, according to GoDaddy.com, are so sexually charged that the mere mention of words like "unrated" sends you into an air-humping tantrum. Nevermind that Danica Patrick would never perform in softcore pornography on the internet for fear of losing every sponsor but Go Daddy; the fact that she is there, with a towel, while another woman massages her, is enough to pique your interest and lead you to check out the site. And when you are looking at GoDaddy.com for titillation you have a deep-seated problem with sexuality. You also fail at the internet.

With so many absolutely horrible commercials on display at this year's Super Bowl it's possible we missed some other offenders. What were your picks for the worst ads, and what do they say advertisers think of you?