Why Did Google's CEO Really Quit The Apple Board Of Directors?

by Lydon. Rutledge, & Toon

Don't believe the disinformation doublespeak about why Google CEO Eric Schmidt resigned from the Apple Board of Directors this morning. For the story the Applo-Googlo-controlled media doesn't want you to hear, check out the following straight-ish dope leaked by our sources on "the inside". (What those sources are inside of, we're not saying.)

  1. Too busy now that gmail is out of beta
  2. Nervous about the Apple board's new zero-tolerance meth policy
  3. Couldn't afford the gas for the Google-to-Apple monthly commutes
  4. Just about to crush Apple with gTunes. Oops, did we just leak that?
  5. Preparing to run for governor of Alaska
  6. Can no longer deny that the Zune is the future
  7. Just felt that they'd grown apart: "It's not Apple, it's me"
  8. Tired of lecturing Millard Drexler about his foot-odor problem
  9. Somebody keeps eating his pudding out of the break-room fridge
  10. Offended about the tetherball court being removed at AT&T's request
  11. Confused about how outsourcing works, he's going to serve on the board of some company in India
  12. Won't have time now that he's playing bass for Nickelback
  13. Upset that Steve Jobs refuses to release his real birth certificate
  14. Now he can get that Palm Pre he's been eyeing
  15. Never really forgave the Klingons for the death of his boy
  16. Board meetings interfered with his plans to camp out for opening night of The Twilight Saga: New Moon
  17. Decided to dedicate his life to finally finding a cure for fan death
  18. Could no longer stand the anxiety of hiding his forbidden love for Steve Wozniak
  19. Was only ever in it for the advance copy of Snow Leopard anyway
  20. Couldn't resolve the conflict over which company was going to buy Woot