Woot Conspiracy Theories: They Only Call it Weird to Discredit The Truth

by Randall Cleveland

When I first heard we'd be dedicating a whole week on the Woot blog to Weird America, my first reaction was, "That's a dumb idea." Then my next reaction was, "Well, at least I don't have to write anything about it." But THEN someone said, "Hey, you should write about some of those crazy conspiracy theories you believe! Those are pretty weird!"

Weird? Uh, if having the bravery and honest American common sense to seek the truth and see through the lies of the establishment is "weird," then guilty as charged I guess.

But you know what's weird to me? Ignoring the truth right before your eyes. What's weird to me is burying your head in the sand and refusing to see the awful truth because it would mean you might have to do something about it. Truthers? Birthers? Child's play. I'm talking about the REAL conspiracy ruling America: Lava Men.

Oh come on, don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about. Think about Washington DC! All those Masonic symbols around the city? What do Masons deal with? Stone. Where does stone come from? Lava. Boom. That's the sound of your mind blowing. And what would Lava Men want with this great nation of ours? Why, only its most prized possession: our vast wealth of natural and state parks!

Lava 2
I don't know how to make it any more obvious.

Think about it. REALLY think about it. Lava Men. Outside. Parks. Do I have to spell it out for you? It's OBVIOUS, man! This is why that pyramid thing is on all the US Currency! This is why they slandered Abraham Lincoln hundreds of years after the fact with all those rumors about his sexuality! This is why the bullet that struck Teddy Roosevelt literally melted as it hit his body. This thing goes all the way to the top, sheeple!

I've produced a pretty extensive documentary about this whole thing detailing all the various inside jobs this plot encompasses. Just check out "Loose Lava" on YouTube. It's broken up into 10 easy-to-digest installments of 2 hours each.

And for cryin' out loud, open your eyes.

Flickr photo Lava 2 by Steve L. Martin used under a Creative Commons License.