Woot-Off Lights

by Wootbot

Birthday Spanking

Even on his or her birthday, it’s only natural for a six-year-old to act out when a new parent enters the picture.

The child will want to test his limits, to see what she can get away with without his parents intervening, telling her no, punishing him. Partially this is a typical condition for her age; partially it’s due to the gender confusion inherent in egalitarian pronoun usage. But until he feels secure that her parents old and new will keep him from going too far and hurting herself, he will continue to resolve her feelings of anxiety with displays of unorthodox behavior toward his caregivers.

These irrational, self-destructive behaviors can include tantrums, holding of breath, arson, playing the bassoon, feng shui, and the most frightening manifestation of all: the Bag O’ Crap, when the child feels compelled to sell a bag of worthless junk for a meager pittance of a price. Sometimes, such as today, he may even sell her bags this way: if you buy a set of Woot-Off lights and the last digit of your order number matches the last integer digit (that’s the ones digit) of the final Dow Jones Industrial Average at the close of business Monday, July 12, 2010 (after all settling), you will also receive a Bag O’ Crap. It’s the rare transaction where everyone comes away a loser – and it can drive a parent (or parent company) to distraction.

The current conventional wisdom is to not fight it. While perverse and obnoxious, the Bag O’ Crap phase will pass in time. It just has to. People can’t be that stupid. Can they? Seriously, can they?

That said, it’s still important to maintain proper discipline with your six-year-old. One tactic that works remarkably well with captured space-alien children may have a similar effect on your Earthling kid: when the child misbehaves, simply threaten to take away the 25% discount on all employee purchases from the parent company. It’s a potent method of reminding your child who makes the rules.

Of course, for this method to work, you have to offer the child the discount in the first place. It’s a question of how far you’re willing to go to be an effective parent.

And we’ll go ahead and give the rules again for those of you unlucky enough to nab Bag O’ Crap

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.1

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and SOME NUMBER OF crappy items.

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.

V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

VI. Shalt thou receive Woot-Off lights only, thou shalt consider that crap enough.

 

Woot Off Lights Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Bag Of Crap Warranty: None, it's crap

Features:

  • Rotating Woot Off lights with LED bulb
  • Can be set 43” apart from each other with 62” long USB cable and stands 3" tall
  • Individual on/off switch for each light in case watching two spin at once is just a bit overwhelming
  • Stop co-worker interruptions during certain “high productivity” times of ecommerce opportunity analysis
  • Stop explaining what you’re doing hitting F5 repeatedly, simply extend arms and slowly bow to woot-off lights in response
  • Trick co-workers by turning them on and excitedly hitting F5 on woot.com during non-woot off days
  • Purchase monitors with cosmetic defects at a discount, knowing you can cover the damage with included velcro strips
  • Stress relief from denied BOC purchase (warning: throw lights at floor or wall, not other people)
  • Finally have a use for your portable Black and Decker USB enabled battery in your closet from our April Fools Woot Off
  • Practice the bolas throwing technique to take down cattle, great for passing co-workers who walk fast to feign urgency

Additional Photos:

In the box:

  • Woot USB Powered Rotating Woot-Off Lights
  • 2 Velcro Strips