Scare and scare alike, as they say. The Woot Writers have spent all week sharing their favorite scare flicks, and now it's Jason Hinklin-Lauderdale's turn to tune us into what frightens him in film.
(WARNING: Some of the following trailers may be slightly NSFW. Watch... but at your own risk!)
Blah blah slashers blah blah knives blah blah stab stab blood stab blah. Horror movies just don't scare me the way they used to. Heck, my mortgage scares me more than any horror movie I've watched in the last few years. Waking up every morning to a fistful of hair left on my pillow and the face of my father in the mirror? That's my daily scare fest. But if you want scary movies, I've got scary movies. Kinda.
Pretty In Pink
You think this movie is all about teenage love and social cliques? No way, dude. It might seem to the average viewer that everything ends happily, sure, but with the right eyes, Pretty In Pink is very much the story about how nice guys like Duckie die alone. To someone like me who always had good girl friends in high school but never managed to get a single date, that's some chilling stuff right there. And don't give me that crap about how he ends up with Kristy Swanson at the end. You know he'll always use Andie as the stick she'll have to measure up to, and that'll put an end to that little charade of a relationship real quick. The truth is that, years after those credits roll, Duckie passes away silently, old, bitter, and heart-broken over the love he could never have, with no one around to mourn him.
And let's be honest, that dress she makes at the end is a horror show in and of itself.
Kramer Vs. Kramer
You want horror? Just imagine the one person you've loved and trusted for years suddenly turning on you as they try to take away the one good thing you have left in your life away from you. Masked slashers and unseen spirits don't even being to rate against the horrors Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep unleash against each other in this film. If you thought the intricate traps in the Saw franchise were gut-wrenching, the brutal custody battle portrayed here tops every one of them without a single ounce of blood being spilled. Now that's horror.
Mr. Smith Goes To Washington
Frank Capra made a lot of of great films in his day, but by far the scariest is this film from 1938. Why? There aren't any evil specters or killer extraterrestrials; though I guess one could argue there are monsters of a certain sort. There isn't any gore flying about or virgins being chopped up in cemeteries. No, the thing that makes Mr. Smith Goes To Washington scary for me the eerie way it still parallels the way Congress works nearly 75 years later. Sends a shiver up my spine, anyway.
OMG YOU GUYS there is a scene that happens at the foot of the staircase that nearly made me wet myself, seriously. Don't bother with the American remake, just find the original, turn out the lights, and prepare to hide under a blanket for a couple of hours.
Shaun Of The Dead
One of my favorite films ever, this is the movie I always thought I'd write one day. It's got everything I've always wanted to put in a script: romance, ordinary people learning to be extraordinary, zombies, record throwing, etc. Writing something like Shaun has always been a dream of mine.
And now that dream is dead.
Oh sure, I could write some other script one day. It's not like I don't have ideas, you know. I have LOTS of ideas. But will I ever be able to act on those ideas? Probably not. When you spend all day writing about Roombas and toothbrush sanitizers, it's just so hard to work up the energy to keep writing when you get home, you know? I get so tired, all I want to do is play with my kid, maybe play a little Xbox, and have dinner with my wife without even thinking about the notebook of ideas I always tell myself I'll get to but never will.
So when I watch Shaun, when I see someone so deftly put to film something I've always wanted to write, I am filled will the utter terror that my fantasies of creating something that great are just that: fantasies. And that makes Shaun of the Dead that scariest film I have ever seen.
Scared by the choices I've made? Probably not, but I'm willing to bet you’ve got a few opinions of your own. Let's hear them in the comments. Once I'm done with my scheduled "List Five Things You Like About Yourself" time that my therapist is SURE will help me through these supposed "issues" I seem to have, maybe I'll even read a few.