WootTF?! The Better Marriage Blanket

by Randall Cleveland

Marriage is a cherished bond, a partnership so sacred that for some reason only men and women are allowed to enter its pact in the sanctity of a church, courthouse, backyard, Sea World, or reality show soundstage. That's how sacred it is.

Fortunately, it's not so sacred that you can't get out of it when you change your mind, but what could possibly lead you to reconsider the partner you've chosen to help, love, support, and praise you through this life?

Flatulence. That's what.

The made up statistics are shocking: 34% of all divorce petitions cite extreme flatulence as the cause for dissolution of marriage. Could it happen to you? After all, you don't like the smell of other people's funk, and you can't just hold that stuff in. It hurts.

Worry no longer, the Better Marriage Blanket is here!

Made of "activated carbon" (as opposed to that lazy, inactive, sedentary carbon), the Better Marriage Blanket actually absorbs fart smells to prevent you from Dutch Ovening yourself single. Where do the methane and nitrogen compounds go? Does that blanket eventually become so saturated that it gets heavy? Can you condense gas molecules so tightly in the blanket that they compress down to liquid form? None of those questions can be answered in the informative commercial! Maybe they'll tell you when you send in your $49.95.

I have to take issue, though, with the fact that it's only the guy giving off horrid green stink lines. That's a biological process and it works both ways. Sure, she may act like she doesn't, but the first time you walk in the spare room and startle her because she thought she was alone and she hurriedly brushed past you through the door, you'll pause to wonder what that was all about. Then you'll know, and you'll wish you never had.

So what's the one thing you wish you had a magic blanket to cover up in your marriage?


(as seen on VideoGum)