As Jason prepares to go to IHOP with Fiona Apple or whatever, the people who ACTUALLY DO THE WORK AROUND HERE have taken some time to recap what went down at CES according to the big boys. That's right, it's my second day of faux-verage, and already I'm farming it out.
JUST DEAL, okay? And do it after the jump. See you inside.
If you're like me, you're sitting in a hotel room thousands of miles from anyone who cares about you, in the name of covering the 2013 Consumer Electronics Show starting tomorrow in Las Vegas. And you're thinking "WHAT THE FREAK, SCOTT LYDON, WHY DO YOU GET TO SLEEP YOUR IN OWN BED TONIGHT AFTER A 'GRUELING' DAY OF INVENTING FAKE CES COVERAGE?" It's funny how, even in a super-shmancy hotel where the rooms have remote-control linen blinds, the check-in people still remind you that the in-room mini-bar is weight sensitive. No 3 A.M. pig-outs discreetly covered by cut-rate gas-station knockoffs for me.
But you don't care about that. You care about the haps on the ground, the CES recon sitch, the young, restless gadgets bold and beautiful enough to warrant their own yearly soap opera for a few days of our lives. Is "ultra-HD" a real thing we're actually supposed to take seriously, and should I take my Blu-ray collection down to the city dump right now to beat the rush? What if Intel and Qualcomm throw a mobile chip war and nobody shows up? Can we please, please come up with some term for a bulky smartphone other than "phablet"? "Bulky smartphone" works, right?
And if you're at the show, say hi! The place is rife with Wootness! There's the official Woot booth at South Hall 1, 21900. There's the world debut of our roving Mortimer mascot in terrifying larger-than-life-size. And there's me: I look like a Groucho mask without the mustache (pictured at left), and I'll be workin' it like Missy Elliott all over the Convention Center. Come up and bump fists with me and you might just see your face (or, I guess, fist) in this space!
If you're like us, you're sitting in an office while Jason Toon flies to Las Vegas for a week. And you're thinking "WHAT THE FREAK, JASON TOON, WHY DIDN'T I RATE A TRIP TO WHAT I ASSUME IS PROBABLY A LUXURY HOTEL WITH AN OPEN BAR????" And that's when it hits you, us. The way you can prove yourself to the world. And suddenly, the Faux-verage is born.
Over the next week, you'll see Jason's on-the-spot reports from CES every morning. He's going to be shaking hands, meeting people, taking photos, and finding the very best gadgets and gee-gaws. But you'll also be enjoying MY coverage as well, about the things I'm PRETENDING to see. Today, I'm pretending to see the opening ceremonies. Come inside, and let's get started!
We're gearing up for another gallop through the gauntlet that is CES! Get in the appropriate frame of mind by reviewing this classic Woot documentary about the construction of our exhibition booth. THEN STEEL YOURSELF, FOR CES GIVES NO QUARTER!
Pull your tuxedo t-shirt from the bottom of that pile of laundry. It's time for the awards show awaited by thousands, because it means our interminable CES 2012 coverage is finally complete. Presenting the 2012 Wootable Awards!
This year's salute comes in two parts: the star-studded, no-singing, no-dancing video extravaganza, followed by some pics-and-text bonus honors for truly sad Wootable devotees. Now, everybody, let's Wootable! Take it away, Matthew!
Now, read on for far more Wootable Awards than anyone should waste their time compiling, much less reading:
Most Unfortunate Stock Photo
Everybody at this company was probably too mature to notice, but we were startled to turn a corner and find this guy flipping us the... well, phone, it turns out. But now we can't un-see it...
Along with battering your soul, CES is tough on your body, too. And where some see aching joints and sore muscles, others see opportunity. This particular carnival of capitalism brings out the massage gadgeteers. Randy and I put our bodies on the line to bring you the story...
Hard to believe that after just one more post later today, our CES 2012 coverage will be over. I think these are tears of joy.
We're almost finished prettying up the raw material we gathered last week while we were covering the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, but we couldn't let our coverage go by without a barbaric yawp-out to our fantasy-lovin' brethren out there. We don't know how much CES can enhance your life, but with a little imagination, it can definitely enhance your D&D campaign.
Each of the past three years at this time, we've serenaded you with a ballad telling of the many wondrous sights we beheld at the Consumer Electronics Show. We're going to keep at it, too, until one day you associate this tune with January as strongly as you do any familiar carol with Christmas.
Good news from CES 2012: we're this close to finally winning the War on Water! Yeah, yeah, life wouldn't be possible without water. But does that give it license to ruin our electronics? Matthew Norman delivers a first-hand dispatch from the front lines in the battle against that drippy douche H20.
Spectators in the first few rows, unfold your plastic sheeting: we're still sloshing our CES 2012 coverage all over the place.
While my two compatriots were busy conducting a cool interview with one of the guys from Makerbot I figured I should try to find something worth snapping a few photos. I puttered around the exhibits looking for something I could mock sarcastically when suddenly, I hit the jackpot: