Instead of using this space to hold our as-scheduled weekly class, I’d instead like to announce something exciting: the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership End-of-February Education Festival of Learning! We’ll be teaching a super-special workshop on each of the last three days of February. Here’s what’s in store:
The problem with desks is that they can’t go with your employees to the bathroom or to lunch. And even if they could, they wouldn’t be able to bring their phones with them because of the wires. That means there are going to be times when your employees won’t be able to answer the phone, which means they’ll have to set up their voicemail.
But what should they say on their voicemail message? That’s where things get complicated. You want them to be kind, inviting, AND informative. That’s a lot for anyone who’s not super smart to tackle, so YOU should script it. Or, even better, you should let the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership script it for you!
Here’s what your employees should say on their voicemail away messages:
Refrigerators are a lot like offices: they both have doors and compartments and things inside. One of the things you’ll find in an office is a refrigerator, which is a lot like an office, because it has doors and compartments and things inside, except it doesn’t have a refrigerator in it like offices do.
But look, we could go on like this all day. The point is that offices have refrigerators in them, which are a lot like offices themselves because they have doors and compartments and things inside. And, like offices, there need to be some rules. You can’t just let people put whatever they want in there. That would be madness, almost like if you didn’t have any rules for what people could bring into the office itself, which by the way, if you think about it, is kind of like a refrigerator (similarities include doors, compartments, things, etc.) built to keep your business fresh.
But we’re not going to talk about rules for your whole office. We’re going to keep this lesson focused on the office fridge. Here are the rules we have for the fridge here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership. Let them serve as an example that you can follow in your own business.
As you all know, our copier is run by an octopus that lives inside it. We've had this copier for over a year, but we are still experiencing USER ERROR. i.e.: You half-wits keep screwing up. I'm attaching an OCTOPUS COPIER PROTOCOL, which I will also post in the copy room. Keep in mind that the octopus CANNOT BE REPLACED, so killing it would effectively destroy this company.
You guys, I have an addiction. I'm addicted to puns. I need them. I can't get enough of them. I HUNGER FOR THEM. That's why I've set up this weekly blog feature: so you guys can feed my addiction. Every week, I'll name the topic, give you some examples, and then you'll pun away in the comments, on Facebook, or on Twitter. I'll choose the best ones and post them here next week. Sound good? Good! Let's do it!
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE: Edible Sitcoms!
Here's what we're looking for this week: sitcoms... that you can eat. Not sure what I'm talking about? Here! Check out these examples:
Businesses are like flowers. They start out small and blossom. The only difference is that businesses don’t have to start underground and also flowers are plants whereas businesses are businesses. But still, the same concept applies: you want to grow your business as much as possible, and that means adding some new departments.
What kinds of departments, you wonder? Well, we here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership have some suggestions. Check it out:
It seems like I face some new, frustrating dilemma almost every day. For a while, I tried to solve each one on my own, but I just can't do it anymore. I'm in over my head, and I need your help, Wooters! So, each week, I'm going to post a problem that I'm facing and you're going to help me solve it. But here's the catch: the solutions need to be puns. That's right: logic is secondary; puns are the primary goal here. I'll choose the best pun and announce it in next week's post.
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE: Bathroom Bands!
Here's the deal: I'm starting a new band. Here's the scoop: we only perform in bathrooms, and we mostly just rewrite other people's songs to be about bathroom stuff. So, what should we call ourselves? Here are some ideas:
I know you have all been anticipating the newest version of the Employee Handbook with bated breath. Unfortunately, the Employee Handbook Re-Writing Sub-Committee chairperson, Ari Knewell, incorrectly booked the conference room using the new Outlook tool (which requires solving several riddles of increasing difficulty) and the 2013 version was pushed back a full week. I would apologize for this delay, but I'm not in the habit of covering for other people's GROSS RIDDLE OVERSIGHT.
When I received a spam email earlier this week, I did what I always do: I read it carefully, then re-read it to make sure I didn’t miss anything, then I printed and highlighted key points in case anyone asked for a summary.
It turns out the email was advertising a webinar about constructing a mobile strategy for your business. This made me panic a little bit. A competitor? Emailing me? Offering a class on something that I haven’t covered yet here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership?
Until now, that is! That’s right, folks! Here it is! Our hastily-assembled guide to mobilizing your business:
It seems like I face some new, frustrating dilemma almost every day. For a while, I tried to solve each one on my own, but I just can't do it anymore. I'm in over my head, and I need your help, Wooters! So, each week, I'm going to post a problem that I'm facing and you're going to help me solve it. But here's the catch: the solutions need to be puns. That's right: logic is secondary; puns are the primary goal here. I'll choose the best pun and announce it in next week's post.
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE: Fishy Football Players!
You guys know the Puppy Bowl, right? Well, guess what? This year it's going to be FISH BOWL, and they've put ME in charge! That's right, during halftime, you can tune in to watch a variety of sea creatures GO AT IT! Here's the only problem: I need names for the "players" involved. So far, I only have three:
