People -
The fiscal year is coming to a close, and that means your health flex-spending accounts will reset on April 4th. You have two options for the following year:
Everybody,
The office network has recently been bombarded with SPAM E-MAILS. These aren't your run-of-the-mill SPAM E-MAILS, folks -- they employ a sophisticated algorithm to prey on individual employees' greatest emotional weaknesses, crafting a hellish pseudo-reality of no escape.
As you all know, our copier is run by an octopus that lives inside it. We've had this copier for over a year, but we are still experiencing USER ERROR. i.e.: You half-wits keep screwing up. I'm attaching an OCTOPUS COPIER PROTOCOL, which I will also post in the copy room. Keep in mind that the octopus CANNOT BE REPLACED, so killing it would effectively destroy this company.
I know you have all been anticipating the newest version of the Employee Handbook with bated breath. Unfortunately, the Employee Handbook Re-Writing Sub-Committee chairperson, Ari Knewell, incorrectly booked the conference room using the new Outlook tool (which requires solving several riddles of increasing difficulty) and the 2013 version was pushed back a full week. I would apologize for this delay, but I'm not in the habit of covering for other people's GROSS RIDDLE OVERSIGHT.
Folks, 
Despite my entreaties, warnings, and admonitions, the impossibly dashing UPS Deliveryman Andrê Jassón ravished every female on staff last spring. Due to monsieur Jassón's REMARKABLE VIRILITY, this means that all female employees will birth Andrê's progeny within the next several weeks.
Office people,
HR has updated the employee handbook for 2013. Notable changes include elimination of the profligate 401k matching program, heavier "handbook-stock" paper, and updates to the dress code. Since none of you will read anything that isn't SHOVED DOWN YOUR CRAW, here are the main points:
COMPANY:
Join me in congratulating Senior Manager of Sales Stan Pinkard and Junior Account Executive Jeff Adams on escaping their corporeal prisons this week and migrating their souls to the bodies of senior management. Both employees have abandonded the tormenting mundanity of Saṃsāra (daily life) and ascended to Moksa, the blissful state of the soul. Stan will now occupy a body that will oversee Sales, and Jeff will report directly to the Executive Board as a VP demigod.
Folks,
The holidays are coming right up and many of you are probably wondering why you have not been paid for several weeks. First off: CALM DOWN. I'm your office manager, not your life coach, but didn't anybody ever tell you that money cannot buy happiness? A few weeks without pay isn't going to ruin your life.
People,
Annual employee performance reviews will take place throughout the end of the month. Every year, employee performance is rated from 1 to 4 on AN ARBITRARILY CHOSEN CRITERION. This year's surprise criterion is… {Drumroll}…: VICTORIAN-ERA FEATS OF PHYSICAL STRENGTH.
Everybody,
The building people will be coming in on Thursday, December 6th to do some routine maintenance. They will temporarily disconnect the office from reality sometime between 8am and 6pm, at which time all employees will experience an acute PSYCHOTIC BREAK.
