Are you so excited about gadgets that sometimes you just can’t hold
it in? So is Fjafalgnjir the Vexed, host of “Ask an Incontinent Viking”
– the only tech column written by a time-travelling 11th-century Danish
warrior. Alas, extremely loose stools is a side effect of time-hopping,
but his bathroom troubles haven’t diminished Fjafalgnjir’s brawny
Viking attitude nor his love of gadgetry. Let’s get right to it before
Fjafalgnjir has to, um, run.
Q. I love tech deals to a
degree that alarms my wife, my boss, and my therapist. So naturally I
spend a lot of time scouring the web for awesome electronics bargains.
But there’s one site in particular that, much as I appreciate their
prices, really gets on my nerves. Instead of just selling me what I
want, they think it’s cute to play dumb pranks on their customers.
Instead of just telling me what the product does, they write these
long, stupid stories that are usually filled with crude humor,
blasphemy, and un-American attitudes. They even hire some irritating
dweeb to sing a little song every day, which I made the mistake of
listening to once (never again, believe me). And now they’re selling
the same thing over and over, a Black & Decker 20 Watt Power Backup
Battery Pack for charging and powering mobile devices, even though I’ve
already bought 18 of the damn things. Is there a better place to find
great tech deals – one where I won’t have to wade through all this
unfunny garbage?
A. Verily, like the child bride Sigyn,
betrothed to deceitful Loki before the hoarfrost had yet thawed on her
fjord, ‘tis easy to become enamored of something that bids us ill. Only
too late do we see that the staff which we lean upon is in truth a
serpent. That’s why I stopped dating 21st century women. Too many
headgames. Too much drama. But your problem seems to be- hold ye, hold
ye! Storm-tossed seas crash upon the rocks of my intestines! Aaah, wise
Odin, let not the foulness breach my battlements! But a moment, please!
Be right back!
Whew. Sorry. I, uh, wouldn’t go in there
anytime soon if I were you. OK, yeah. Your problem seems to be a lack
of willpower. Like the Æsir and einherjar who sup each night on the
slain carcass of the cosmic boar Sæhrímnir, boiled by the divine cook
Andhrímnir in the vast Eldhrímnir cauldron, the nightly feast of tech
deals be too succulent for you to refuse. Not even the foul stink of
this web site’s simpleminded “content” can damp your ardor. Thus are we
slaves to our appetites! Frankly, if I was looking for cheap tech
stuff, I’d start by raising and outfitting a party of three-score stout
men and heading to Fry’s to pillage and plunder. But that approach has
drawbacks, too.
Q. After hearing your story, I’m worried
that I, too, could be unexpectedly swept to another time against my
will. How can I prepare for such a possibility?
A.
Should such a misfortune befall you, weep not; for you live in a
wondrous age that offers the single best shield against the ravages of
unwanted time travel. I speak, of course, of adult diapers. If you
truly fear such a calamity, consider carrying a backpack full of adult
diapers at all times. You may never need them, but why take the chance?
As Signe said to her beloved Hagbard, sea-king brother of Haki, “Better
a pack full of unused Depends than a befouled smock.”
Warranty: 90 Day Limited Black and Decker
Features:
- Powers & recharges personal electronics simultaneously
- Supplies portable AC & USB power to mobile electronics
- No tips necessary, plug in your standard charger to charge on the go
- Extended runtime, provides up to 4 hours of additional power
- Compact & lightweight, take anywhere for power to go
- Ideal for use with cell phones, digital camera/camcorders, PDA’s, MP3’s and more
Technical Specifications:
- Input – 9.6V, 300 mA
- Output – 20 watts = 3 minutes; 16 watt = continuous
- Battery – 1.2 AH NiMH
- USB - 5V DC (250mA)
- Unit Dimensions – 6” (L) X 3 1/2” (W) X 1” (D)
- Unit Weight – 0.8 lbs
In the box:
- Two Black & Decker CP120B 20 Watt Power Backup Battery Packs
- Two 120 Volt AC Chargers
- Two Drawstring Bags
