Jason Toon


quality posts: 19 Private Messages Jason Toon

This year, I didn't wait until the last minute to start doing my taxes. I waited until the last 960 minutes. Join me in my panicked dash to jump through the taxman's hoops as I live-blog my tax preparation. We'll be adding to this post all day today, with new updates, photos, and podcasts in a multimedia orgy of amateur accounting and human desperation. Ready...set...deduct!


Listen to Tax Day Liveblog Wootcast #1

7:48 AM: Just spent the last half-hour sharpening a whole case of No. 2 pencils. I'm doing it right this year!

7:49 AM: "Use blue or black ink only"? Dammit...

8:13 AM: Last year I bet Dave a hundred bucks I wouldn’t have to fill out an 11-C wagering form. I want to declare my winnings to the IRS, but if I do, I’ll have to give them back because I filled out an 11-C, but if I do that, I won’t have to fill out an 11-C because I didn’t win, but if I… well, you see the problem.

8:31 AM: Whew! The adoption papers for Gregorio (age 14), Tiffany (age 9), and Danque (age 7) came through just in time. I’m officially a Daddy! Hello child tax credits! It’ll be tough to send the kids back to the orphanage when this is all over with, but at least they’ll have had a couple of days in a loving home.

8:46 AM: Really sad that TurboTax didn’t have a cool chrome intake vent I had to install on the top of my computer.

9:09 AM: I don't know what Form 5713 (Schedule A) is used for, but "International Boycott Factor" is an awesome name for a band.

9:17 AM: Practicing writing ambiguous sevens that kind of look like ones, and vice-versa. I’ll save a BUTTLOAD — and if I’m audited? Oops, innocent mistake!

9:24 AM: That 1120ND is pretty short. Maybe I should just fill one of those out in case I did some nuclear decommissioning and forgot.

9:42 AM: I've decided that since they're not transferable from one year to the next, I'm under no obligation to declare my McDonald's Monopoly game pieces.

9:50 AM: Hey, wouldn’t the IRS find out about Hannah Montana’s secret identity when Miley Stewart got audited for underreporting income? And don’t say “it’s just a TV show” because that could be a serious plot point.

10:19 AM: My whole family thinks I’m crazy for doing my taxes myself instead of asking Uncle Anthony, the CPA. Sorry everybody, but I don’t want to have to explain to a relative why I’m claiming $400 worth of “intimate lubricant” as a business expense.

10:52 AM: Worried that I’ll need to fill out a 1040C Departing Alien Income form since I sold my Star Wars Cantina Set on eBay.

Listen to Tax Day Liveblog Wootcast #2

11:28 AM: Just heard some guy on the radio talking about "our Byzantine tax code". Does that mean I'm supposed to send a check to Constantinople, too?

11:37 AM: Feel like I could save a bunch using Schedule J: Income Averaging for Farmers and Fishermen because of all the times I had fish sticks this year. Wish I'd saved those receipts.

11:50 AM: Ugh, finished a whole page before I realized these are not essay questions.

12:21 PM: My freelance celebrity-bodyguard work means I can probably take the cost of ammo as a deduction. But then the Feds would know exactly how much firepower I’m packing when they come for my guns. I’ll take the tax hit on this one. Liberty or death!

12:49 PM: Had two bowls of chili w/cheese for lunch; now I have to go take a huge deduction.

1:08 PM: I thought opportunities for hilarious photos would just sort of come up during the tax-prep process. Turns out, maybe not.

1:32 PM: Business idea for future reference: a chain of tax-prep offices where all the preparers are scantily-clad women with fake boobs, and every desk has a TV with all the ESPNs, and where pitchers of PBR are always $2, seven days a week. No way I'd get my taxes done at a place like that, but I bet a lot of dudes would. Oh, and wings. Those guys love their wings.

1:50 PM: Just found out the Post Office doesn’t stay open until last call. Glad I checked!

2:07 PM: I better not hear about any of my taxes going toward golden parachutes for Wall Street fat cats. Gold is EXTREMELY HEAVY. Honestly, is there a worse parachute material? No wonder these geniuses bankrupted the economy!

2:19 PM: Should I report what I earned selling copies of my e-book, “One Thousand Ways To Cheat the IRS?” Seems like a damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don’t kind of situation.

2:34 PM: I couldn't make it down to my local teabagging party. Even a phony-baloney job like mine requires more or less regular attendance. But I did tip some Coke Zero into the toilet. Take that, King George III!

2:52 PM: New plan for this year: find homeless guy, give him my house, write it off as charity, then buy house back with a case of Mad Dog and deduct the deprecation.

3:19 PM: OMG, can you believe that dress Geena Davis is wearing? It's like she got breast implants just so she could squeeze on a few more rhinestones- whoops! Sorry. For a minute there, I thought I was liveblogging the 2006 Golden Globe Awards.

3:41 PM: Because I know Big Brother will try to harvest fingerprints and DNA samples from my paperwork, I wear an impermeable latex bodysuit while I fill out my forms. I didn’t expect them to take so long to fill out, though. Oh, well—a case of prickly heat is a small price to pay for keeping my biometric profile off the government’s books.

4:08 PM: Income. Income. Have you ever noticed how abstract a word sounds after you repeat it enough? Income. Income. Incomeincomeincome in-come. Income. Weird. (Weird. Weird. Weird. Whoa, it’s happening again.)

4:20 PM: SMOKE BREAK LOL

4:33 PM: Calling my Jewish friend to see if Elijah can count as a dependent even though he never actually shows up to drink the wine.

4:44 PM: Sigh. I wish I lived in olden times, when you could pay your taxes in the form of goats, grain, or daughters.

5:07 PM: I’m putting sparkly butterfly stickers around the margins of my forms, just to make them a little prettier. (I’ll do the envelope, too.) I’m hoping they’ll make a good impression on whoever reviews my return, and maybe they’ll cut me some slack when they come across a close question that could go either way. That’s what’s known as “working the refs.”

7:18 PM: Stepped out to pick up dinner. Asked the guy working the register at White Castle what he thought about the Canon DVD Camcorder with 41x Advanced Zoom, so I'm taking the cost of the onion rings as a business expense.

7:21 PM: There’s a subtle but distinct difference between the taste of the chicken in White Castle’s chicken sandwiches and in their chicken rings. Note to self: investigate after tax season.

7:46 PM: Riddle me this, Mr. IRS Man: can you levy a fee against the human spirit? Can you tax a man's conscience? Can I take a depreciation deduction for my bruised and battered soul? And if so, how much?

8:13 PM: Briefly passed out while filling out Worksheet F, Schedule 48-C. Must be exhaustion. Or those quaaludes I had for dessert.

8:47 PM: Ran out to buy calculator batteries and got pulled over on the way home. The patrolman was not moved by my explanation that I was “in a hurry to pay the taxes that pay [his] salary, [the] fascist swine.”

9:03 PM: Oh, snap, that Next Gen with the Borg is on.

9:20 PM: I must be getting tired. On Form 4563 (Exclusion of Income for Bona Fide Residents of American Samoa), under "Farm Income", I answered "purple". Not to mention I've never even been to American Samoa.

9:44 PM: WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE HAD A BETTER LAWYER, WESLEY SNIPES???

9:56 PM: And it's off! Signed, sealed, delivered to Uncle Scam! I'm probably penitentiary-free for at least another 12 months. This is my favorite moment of the year.

10:05 PM: Oh, snap, that Deep Space Nine with Q is on.

10:09 PM: Wait, today was the deadline for state taxes, too?

Listen to Tax Day Liveblog Wootcast #3

dave bug


quality posts: 14 Private Messages dave bug

To hedge my bets, I wagered Scott that you wouldn't need an 11-C. If I win, he has to fill out your 11-C.

Slydon


quality posts: 17 Private Messages Slydon

Staff

dave bug wrote:To hedge my bets, I wagered Scott that you wouldn't need an 11-C. If I win, he has to fill out your 11-C.



Yeah, but I bet Jason I wouldn't need to fill out a W-7P Paid Preparer's Form! This whole incident clearly illustrates our need for better interoffice communication.

Hi, I'm one of the writers. My powers are limited but I'll do what I can.

Alexius


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Alexius
Slydon wrote:Yeah, but I bet Jason I wouldn't need to fill out a W-7P Paid Preparer's Form! This whole incident clearly illustrates our need for better interoffice communication.



Or possibly a need for those forms that make you account for your time during the day. ;)

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no1


quality posts: 7 Private Messages no1

apropos of nothing, i think it's interesting that both dave bug and slydon have quality posts but jason toon has none.

Gatzby


quality posts: 43 Private Messages Gatzby
no1 wrote:apropos of nothing, i think it's interesting that both dave bug and slydon have quality posts but jason toon has none.



We've got a form for that somewhere...

Did you know shirt.woot ships internationally? Get you some!
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no1


quality posts: 7 Private Messages no1
Gatzby wrote:We've got a form for that somewhere...



hmm... did you quality post yourself?

lipophilia


quality posts: 11 Private Messages lipophilia

I like the idea of those @$$#o\#$ using golden parachutes. The density is over 19. Crush them like little bugs!! (cheaper than a bailout)

no1


quality posts: 7 Private Messages no1
Jason Toon X wrote:Gold is EXTREMELY HEAVY



gold can be pounded into extremely thin gold leaf. not that heavy.

dave bug


quality posts: 14 Private Messages dave bug
no1 wrote:gold can be pounded into extremely thin gold leaf. not that heavy.



I think Mythbusters is needed. I now believe you can have a lead balloon, but I wonder what weight a golden parachute would support.

bFusion


quality posts: 8 Private Messages bFusion
dave bug wrote:I think Mythbusters is needed. I now believe you can have a lead balloon, but I wonder what weight a golden parachute would support.



Don't you guys at Woot have one or two of those around still or did you have to sell 'em back to the banks due to the recession?

I write music you may enjoy. --> http://www.abstractionmusic.com <-- Download the album for free.

caffeine_dude


quality posts: 13 Private Messages caffeine_dude

Don't forget to carry the one.

I installed Turbo Tax and Tax Cut and Tax Act on my PC. Tax Act watched as Turbo Tax was knifed by Tax Cut and Tax Act pretended he did not see a thing.

Please don't delete this post, I am trying, honest!

lipophilia


quality posts: 11 Private Messages lipophilia

Jason in a latex suit?
MAKE THE PICTURES IN MY BRAIN GO AWAY!
Thanks for ruining a perfectly good fetish for thousands of loyal wooters.

SBCJester21


quality posts: 9 Private Messages SBCJester21
Jason Toon wrote:No way I'd get my taxes done at a place like that, but I bet a lot of dudes would.


I couldn't make it down to my local teabagging party.


I wear an impermeable latex bodysuit while I fill out my forms.


I’m putting sparkly butterfly stickers around the margins of my forms, just to make them a little prettier. (I’ll do the envelope, too.)



....ummm.... what exactly are you trying to tell us about yourself Jason?

SBCJester21


quality posts: 9 Private Messages SBCJester21
no1 wrote:gold can be pounded into extremely thin gold leaf. not that heavy.



Gold is most likely rolled/pressed into leaf, not pounded.

Dave Bug wrote:I think Mythbusters is needed. I now believe you can have a lead balloon, but I wonder what weight a golden parachute would support.



Gold is also very soft. When flattened to a thickness where it's lack of weight would allow it to function as a parachute, it wouldn't have enough strength to hold up against the wind.

SBCJester21


quality posts: 9 Private Messages SBCJester21

btw, just so all you procrastinators can think about procrastinating even more... if you are due a refund, you legally have 3 years to file your taxes. If you wait longer than 3 years to file, they won't give you your refund, even if you file. Trust me, I know from experience. Of course, don't try this if you owe money. But then again, if you KNOW you are getting a refund, why wouldn't you file.... I keep asking the voices in my head that question but they just keep transfering me to another voice mail.

no1


quality posts: 7 Private Messages no1
SBCJester21 wrote:Gold is most likely rolled/pressed into leaf, not pounded.


according to wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metal_leaf

"Metals that are made into metal leaf need to be highly malleable. They can be pounded into sheets well below a micrometre in thickness without breaking or tearing. The typical thickness of gold leaf is about 100 nanometres or 0.0001 mm[1]. When made by hand, small pieces of metal are placed between sheets of parchment and pounded repeatedly with wooden mallets. As the metal thins out, it forms large sheets. These sheets are divided and the process repeated. The final sheets of metal are trimmed, cut to various sizes, and sandwiched between sheets of paper to protect them. At a thickness of 100 nm, one square metre of gold leaf corresponds to 0.1 cubic centimetre or just 2 grams of gold. In Imperial measurements, one ounce (28.34 g) of gold corresponds to about 200 square feet (about 20 m2) of gold leaf."

so handmade leaf is pounded. i imagine you could layer it on top of a silken parachute, and i think that still counts as a "golden parachute."

cindyscrazy


quality posts: 3 Private Messages cindyscrazy
SBCJester21 wrote:....ummm.... what exactly are you trying to tell us about yourself Jason?



So I wasn't the only one who started giggling hysterically when I saw MSNBC reporting Teabagging parties?

The pictures in my mind made it impossible for me to continue working.

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"--from a T-shirt

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SBCJester21


quality posts: 9 Private Messages SBCJester21
no1 wrote:according to wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metal_leaf

"Metals that are made into metal leaf need to be highly malleable. They can be pounded into sheets well below a micrometre in thickness without breaking or tearing. The typical thickness of gold leaf is about 100 nanometres or 0.0001 mm[1]. When made by hand, small pieces of metal are placed between sheets of parchment and pounded repeatedly with wooden mallets. As the metal thins out, it forms large sheets. These sheets are divided and the process repeated. The final sheets of metal are trimmed, cut to various sizes, and sandwiched between sheets of paper to protect them. At a thickness of 100 nm, one square metre of gold leaf corresponds to 0.1 cubic centimetre or just 2 grams of gold. In Imperial measurements, one ounce (28.34 g) of gold corresponds to about 200 square feet (about 20 m2) of gold leaf."

so handmade leaf is pounded. i imagine you could layer it on top of a silken parachute, and i think that still counts as a "golden parachute."



I stand corrected, at least on the hand-made part. But manufactured gold leaf would still most likely be rolled/pressed.

I also imagine you could make a gold thread, and weave it into the material and technically still be a "golden parachute". However, I doubt that this is what Dave Bug had in mind. To further clarify my original post though, a solid gold parachute probably could be made, and it technically probably could even function as a parachute, provided it was supporting essentially no weight. A solid gold parachute would never be able to support the weight of a human being. It might, however, support the weight of foam box or something else that is essentially weightless.

no1


quality posts: 7 Private Messages no1
SBCJester21 wrote:I stand corrected, at least on the hand-made part. But manufactured gold leaf would still most likely be rolled/pressed.



i don't know how accurate this web page is, but it says gold leaf is mechanically made by first rolling into thin sheets, then two beatings.

http://www.boatsign.com/w04abt3.htm

Toadlet


quality posts: 8 Private Messages Toadlet
no1 wrote:rolling into thin sheets, then two beatings.


Sign me up.

Jason Toon wrote:4:08 PM: incomeincomeincomeincome

4:20 PM: SMOKE BREAK LOL


Are you sure you didn't start a little earlier?

I appear to be melting.

Zeusandhera


quality posts: 7 Private Messages Zeusandhera

This year was the first time I actually had to pay taxes instead of getting a rebate, and it was actually quite a lot thanks to woot!

I'm not complaining, I'm just saying.

tmiller19711


quality posts: 0 Private Messages tmiller19711

Wow! You can claim Woot as a dependent, never thought of that.

brieanna


quality posts: 47 Private Messages brieanna

Wasn't the Borg on Tuesday night?

Must have done a rerun so people would quit watching tv and do their taxes. Obviously, that wasn't the case here.

I like my signature.

krhamit


quality posts: 0 Private Messages krhamit
no1 wrote:i don't know how accurate this web page is, but it says gold leaf is mechanically made by first rolling into thin sheets, then two beatings.

http://www.boatsign.com/w04abt3.htm



Well, I gave my #1 two beatings, after rolling in thin sheets.

jasonf1984


quality posts: 4 Private Messages jasonf1984

You don't have to file state taxes in Texas!
10:09 PM: Wait, today was the deadline for state taxes, too?