WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

After being transplanted to the Pacific Northwest we can sympathize with an invasive species like the Asian Carp. You're out of your element, you don't know anybody, and you've got to breed explosively so you can outcompete all the indigenous wildlife while hurdling electric barriers put in place to stop you and slapping strangers in the face along the way.

Now people are so fed up with them that they've decided to eat the Asian Carp out of existence. The only problem is no one wants to eat something called an Asian Carp for some reason (racists). So now they're taking suggestions for a more delicious-sounding name for the fish, but if names like "Kentucky Tuna" are being taken as serious suggestions and not the thinly-veiled sexual euphemisms they obviously are, it made us hopeful we might be able to flood the ballot box. Write your representative today and demand that the Asian Carp be renamed as any one of the far more delicious-sounding species below...

  • Guangzhou Gagfish
  • Gristle-backed Loach
  • Poisonous Razorfin
  • Nemo
  • Putrid Bloatfish
  • Jason Tuna
  • I Can't Believe It's Not Asian Carp
  • Invasive Stranglefish
  • Laxative-fleshed Skunkfish
  • Sea Penis
  • Throat Burr
  • Mud-Stuffed Waterbat
  • Scaly Mutilator
  • Neon Puke Darter
  • Spiny Throatlodger
  • River Mangler
  • Vampiric Herpesbearer
  • Orange Scratchy
  • Tennessee Turd Burglar
  • Pugsucker
  • Nanking Doublebone Trout
  • Hanoi Chumguppy
  • Satan's Nightmarefish
  • Chilean Sea Ass
  • GlennBecktopus

Those were our best ideas (as hard as that may be to believe), let us know your favorite in the comments below. While we're at it, what would you call these things to make them more appealing?


(Thanks to Jeff C. for the Naming Newsletter link that inspired us.)

stephenhochen


quality posts: 0 Private Messages stephenhochen

How about: "Sars Fish"

sTyLeS


quality posts: 9 Private Messages sTyLeS

"Corn-Eyed Brown Trout" ... mmmmm
I've seen them floating about local swimming hotspots

or

"Trouser Trout" has a nice appealing ring to it.

But perhaps a name that more accurately describes what it would taste like...like "Wad of Bony Scaly Fishiness"

langbdang


quality posts: 0 Private Messages langbdang

No Woot - your electronic auto-reader program got it wrong again. Had you read it the old fashioned way, with your own eyes, you would have realized that it was not a contest to make the name more appalling (at which you've been an unqualified success) but was actually intended to be a contest to make the fish more APPEALING! Jeez! Get it right!

llandar


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
sTyLeS wrote:"Corn-Eyed Brown Trout" ... mmmmm
I've seen them floating about local swimming hotspots

or

"Trouser Trout" has a nice appealing ring to it.

But perhaps a name that more accurately describes what it would taste like...like "Wad of Bony Scaly Fishiness"



It is ugly and slimy and stinks to high heaven, but I will say that Asian Carp is actually tasty.

AbEnd


quality posts: 4 Private Messages AbEnd

It worked for the Chinese Gooseberry, so how about the "Kiwi Carp"?

cbury


quality posts: 0 Private Messages cbury

Working collaboratively my family suggests:

Italian Orange Tabby Catfish

pfctpiemakersgirl


quality posts: 0 Private Messages pfctpiemakersgirl

Pugsucker for sure!

olperfesser


quality posts: 2 Private Messages olperfesser

They only have gotten up the Mississippi to the Great Lakes, but if they get to Alaska, they can call them Maverick Bass.

llandar


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
olperfesser wrote:They only have gotten up the Mississippi to the Great Lakes, but if they get to Alaska, they can call them Maverick Bass.



Or they could start calling it that NOW and import it!

ActorTom


quality posts: 2 Private Messages ActorTom

Mosquefish or Ground-zero Mosquefish
Gafilthyfish

Amander


quality posts: 2 Private Messages Amander
AbEnd wrote:It worked for the Chinese Gooseberry, so how about the "Kiwi Carp"?



Karpwi!

buildmyscores


quality posts: 0 Private Messages buildmyscores

If you name it the "Twilight Carp" it'll be an instant success!

EssenGrabow


quality posts: 3 Private Messages EssenGrabow

Mrs. Pauls Fish Sticks??

taternuggets


quality posts: 21 Private Messages taternuggets



Nothing follows.

Zack2


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Zack2

I had a couple of great names (or so I thought), but nothing, and I mean nothing can sound more tasty than the "Neon Puke Darter". Add a little lemon and some blackening spices, what could be better, mmmmmm mmmmm. Y'all come back now, ya hear...

413007


quality posts: 4 Private Messages 413007

whichever one of you nerds came up with 'chilean sea ass' deserves the highest of fives.

but if you really want people to eat it, just call it 'buttered garlic carp.'

or perhaps 'McChicken'

taternuggets


quality posts: 21 Private Messages taternuggets

Mud-Stuffed Waterbat was my favorite.



Nothing follows.