WootBot


quality posts: 15 Private Messages WootBot

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Since it's Pet Week on the Woot blog, we've asked some of today's most brilliant thinkers - ourselves - to explore the most vital question in human-canine relations today: should dogs be allowed into the workplace? Jason Toon and Randall Cleveland debate the question like two back-alley mutts fighting over a discarded bag of Jack in the Box curly fries. Remember, we kid because we love...

Put A Little Kennel In Your Office by Jason Toon

If everyone in America can agree on anything anymore, it’s this: office work is boring. So imagine my delight when I was leaving our building the other day and almost walked into an explosion of snarling, frothing fur and fang. Dogfight in the atrium! Now that’s excitement! Nobody got hurt – the owners were able to yank the combatants apart before the blood flowed – but this whiff of primal bloodlust certainly enlivened an otherwise dull afternoon under the fluorescent lights.

That’s the kind of unexpected little gift you’ll only find in a dog-friendly workplace. Sure, there are some other kinds that are less fun, especially if you step in them on the way to your yearly performance review. But given the standard of hygiene on display in this building’s human restrooms, the dogs come off looking pretty good on that score.

Dogs open the sterile environment of the office to the natural world, to the mysteries of life and death, to the rich variety of mammalian parasites. To be deeply focused on a particular work task, only to have your concentration broken by the yelp of a dog in a nearby cubicle, is to rediscover the anxiety experienced every day by our primitive ancestors. To be annoyed is to be alive.

Indeed, if you ask me, open-dog policies should be expanded to other species. Bring your goat, your iguana, your unemployed brother-in-law! I feel like I’d be a lot more productive if I could bring my beehives to the office with me instead of fretting about them all day from afar. My pretties need me.

Or, wait: what about bringing your kids to work? Like, say, an on-site daycare, so working parents had one less trip to make at the beginning and end of every day, and could spend a little more time working instead of driving, and come a little closer to that fabled “work-life balance” that everybody talks about?

Nah, that would be ridiculous. Dogs it is, then!

If I Wanted to Work with Dogs, I’d Have Gone Into Euthanasia by Randall Cleveland

What kind of office encourages people to bring their pets to work? The vapid kind desperate to adopt something, ANYTHING, as their own “kooky culture!” so that their pathetic Monster.com ads have something to offer. And since we work in just such an office, I see you’re taking full advantage and bringing your mangy, aggressive Presa Canario into the office. I’m sure it will be more than happy to just sit idly at your desk all day while not barking or distracting anyone as you seem to expect.

I’m sorry. Am I the only one who comes here to actually work?

Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs. “Man’s best friend” and all that. But here’s an idea: try bringing your best HUMAN friend to work. Have him or her sit in the corner and just stare balefully at you all day. Position some trash cans so they can’t walk out of your office and run free. Let passersby feed your buddy from college the occasional piece of jerky. See what the boss thinks about that. And what’s the difference? That ONE distracting layabout contributing nothing to the office has fur? Why does THAT get a pass?

Not to mention that there are people in this office who have allergies to pet dander. I’m not one of them, but boy I wish I was. I’d OWN this office after my lawsuit. You can’t turn a white collar fluorescent paradise into some low-rent animal husbandry operation! It’s disgusting! They shed and they pee on the floor and they sniff my crotch in the elevator and they FIGHT each other in the lobby! Am I the only one seeing this crap happen? We are ADULTS working at a BUSINESS, right?

That’s it. From now on I am taking a few moments each morning to smear bacon grease on my leg. If no one else is willing to stand up for the rights of people who thought getting a college degree meant NOT working in an office full of savage beasts, then I will. And when the first idiot stares off into space as their little furry angel chomps on my calf, I’ll scream the words no company wants to hear. I’ll bring the whole thing crashing down with the words guaranteed to ruin forever even the most heavily-supported company policy.

“I’m suing!”

Photos: Dogs in chairs by Flickr user Wyscan, and She's learned to sit by Flickr user quoo, both used under a Creative Commons License.

skippykj


quality posts: 16 Private Messages skippykj

Wow Randy, you smell delicious... and I swear I'm not coming onto you.

I like how Toon's whole argument is how work sucks so bad that something annoying is good because it will help distract you from how boring office work really is. I picture the Amazon campus as similar to "Joe vs. The Volcano".

tgentry


quality posts: 111 Private Messages tgentry

Staff

I like the dog across the aisle. When he comes into my cube to look around I feel like what I imagine the senior citizens at a home must feel like when they bring in dogs to pet for the afternoon. Like maybe life ain't so bad after all because 'puppy'!

On-site daycare would be immensely better though.

dave bug


quality posts: 14 Private Messages dave bug

This was sort of like Point/Point-Again. I demand we hear from the other side!

EssenGrabow


quality posts: 3 Private Messages EssenGrabow

Don't Canine-Americans have rights, too?

What if they don't WANT to come into the office? What if coming into the office means they lose money because they can no longer sell their owner's stuff on eBay?

necoras


quality posts: 4 Private Messages necoras

Staff

I for one am all for dogs in the workplace. It might get my co-workers to get up every once in a while, walk around, and actually get some sun in the middle of the day.

dugaboggy


quality posts: 3 Private Messages dugaboggy
dave bug wrote:This was sort of like Point/Point-Again. I demand we hear from the other side!



Agreed. A satirical rant against dogs in the workplace followed closely by a more direct rant against them isn't exactly the well rounded coverage of a controversy I've come to expect from the internet. Oh, wait.

Tiamat114


quality posts: 48 Private Messages Tiamat114

I highly advise against rubbing your legs with bacon, with deals.woot's bacon/zombie addiction, if zombies really do take over then you are going to smell twice as nice to former wooter variety zombies.

ElanorRigby


quality posts: 14 Private Messages ElanorRigby
dave bug wrote:This was sort of like Point/Point-Again. I demand we hear from the other side!



I don't hate dogs, but there is no other side. Pets don't belong in the office. Even if your dog is "nice" and "lovable", your dog is probably not as beloved by others as you think he is/should be. You also may have trained your dog to be polite, but no amount of training can prevent the drooling, shedding, and farting associated with the entire canine species.

Even on a cloudy day, I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun...

klozitshoper


quality posts: 2 Private Messages klozitshoper

Quite a few years ago, the Chief Medical Examiner for the State of Connecticut, a woman whose name escapes me, was fired for bringing her dog(s) into the room when she was conducting autopsies. Hate to even go there in my mind. The whistle blower lost his job too. Now THAT is going too far.

bogus


quality posts: 11 Private Messages bogus
ElanorRigby wrote:the drooling, shedding, and farting associated with the entire canine species.



Wait, dogs do this too? Thought it was just an engineering thing.

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

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I might go to work if I could bring the dog.

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.