WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

To get into my office here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership (SAUBMDL), I have to scan a badge. This might seem annoying, but here’s the thing: you know who doesn’t have badges? Wolves! That’s who! And so as long as I have to scan a badge to get in, I can rest assured that there’s no need to worry about bloodthirsty wolves in the office. It makes me feel safe.

Now, when you’re starting your own business, you’ve got to consider how many bloodthirsty wolves do you want around. Was your answer anything other than zero? Then you’re not fit to run a business. GET OUT! GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW! For the rest of you, though, we here at Sean University would like to offer you some advice on designing the perfect badge for your business.

The front of the badge will identify employees coming into the building:

A lot of amateur badges will just have one picture, but employees don’t look exactly the same every day. Which is why your business’s badge should have at least four pictures, covering the following contingencies...

A) what the employee looks like usually

B) what the employee will look like on Casual Friday

C) what the employee will look like if he grows a mustache (you never know when a mustache will strike your business)

D) what it will look like if your employee dies (Note: This should be a computer-generated photo. If it isn’t that means you’re paying a dead-guy. If an employee starts to look like this, immediately report him to HR.)

With these four pictures, your security guards will have no problem identifying your employees. Under that is the standard stuff:

E) what other people call the employee

F) what you call the employee

G) the barcode to the scanner machine (because for some reason it’s not allowed to have it tattooed on each employee’s forehead! People these days! They get so worked up about petty things.)

That’s all the stuff you need for your employees to get in the door. But what about once they’re in the office? Sure the front of the badge will help people learn each other’s names. But how do you help employees understand their standing in the company or how they should interact with each other? That’s where the back of the badge comes in:

back of badge

Here you’ll find each employee’s vital stats:

H) This is everyone the employee is higher than in the company. If you don’t see your face here, feel free to delegate however much work you want onto him as long as…

I) his intelligence is low enough that he won’t realize you’re taking advantage of him. Here, our employee is about as smart as a dog or a bonsai tree. So, you’re probably okay to throw anything his way. Still, he might get angry, in which case, you’ll need to know if he can…

J) beat you up with his karate moves. This employee is particularly dangerous because, on top of the standard chop and kick, he knows the fireball. Of course, when entering a deadly fight with someone, it’s also important to know…

K) what they have to live for in this world. Here, the employee only has his two cats, which can spell trouble if you try to take him on.

This is a good template to follow, but obviously more can be added. What would you put on your company’s badge, students?

Master00Sniper


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Master00Sniper

Just me? Or second image broken?

http://gameblog.me - finding all the best free online games, and putting them in one easy place!

Jason Toon


quality posts: 19 Private Messages Jason Toon
Master00Sniper wrote:Just me? Or second image broken?



It was broken, thanks! Should be fixed now.

dave bug


quality posts: 14 Private Messages dave bug

I make sure to only keep thirsty wolves, not bloodthirsty wolves around. Then, as long as there are plenty of bowls of water, everything's a-ok!

Rosewood


quality posts: 2 Private Messages Rosewood
Jason Toon wrote:It was broken, thanks! Should be fixed now.



What is this, some kind of second rate blog on a site that sells cheap crap and vacuums?

Wait...

Moueska


quality posts: 54 Private Messages Moueska

There was much talk about the badge itself, but little about how it should be worn.

Examples:
With pride? Like Swag? From a Lanyard? From a clip? Hidden under one's jacket? Displayed at all times, even if you must have two?


Oh, and since I have a very strict "no martial arts" policy in my newly-forming company, I would have the badge list the "Laws of Power" (as listed by Robert Greene) that the employee would be most likely to follow, as well as the laws that they would be most likely to violate.

This, of course, would have to be determined by early pre-screening and psychological profiling, but is well worth the effort. It would have to be numerals only, or some fun symbolic posturing that only CEO-level individuals are allowed to learn when they attain the position. If they attain the position.

dabomb276


quality posts: 0 Private Messages dabomb276

You forgot to add the time in which it would take you, once bitten, to turn into a zombie. Very Important!!!

EssenGrabow


quality posts: 3 Private Messages EssenGrabow

No bloodthirsty wolves. OK

We have 'Fierce Fang' and 'El Diablo' protecting us. They would rip your arm off (if they could reach it. Chihuahuas aren't very tall). They DO have the 'Yap of Death'. Mostly effective.

Badges? We don't need no steenkin badges. My mom won't let anybody down into the basement unless she knows them. And you don't want to mess with her. She has the 'Voice of Sarcasm' that can blister paint at thirty paces (that was NOT a good day).

dave bug


quality posts: 14 Private Messages dave bug
dabomb276 wrote:You forgot to add the time in which it would take you, once bitten, to turn into a zombie. Very Important!!!



Good idea, but I'm not sure how you'd figure it out. Perhaps you should only hire twins, or rather, one twin, and you can turn the other twin into a zombie to get the accurate answer.

Hmm....it's possible the zombie might turn out to be the better worker, so you should also keep them around.

dugaboggy


quality posts: 3 Private Messages dugaboggy

If you hire a zombie, wouldn't the "normal" picture and the "dead" picture look the same?

vigothe6th


quality posts: 0 Private Messages vigothe6th
dabomb276 wrote:You forgot to add the time in which it would take you, once bitten, to turn into a zombie. Very Important!!!



I'm no doctor, but I think that would probably depend on blood pressure and heart rate which fluctuates far too much to print on a badge.

You could implant some kind of monitoring device that transmits to a LED readout on the badge, but that sounds like more trouble than it's worth.

dave bug


quality posts: 14 Private Messages dave bug
vigothe6th wrote:You could implant some kind of monitoring device that transmits to a LED readout on the badge, but that sounds like more trouble than it's worth.



You say that now, but you'll probably regret it as you're trying to determine if you have time to run through the hallway jumping over the freshly infected former co-workers.

saranoh79


quality posts: 0 Private Messages saranoh79

http://theoatmeal.com/quiz/zombie_bite

Quiz for the employees so you know how long post bite you have to deny them building access

PocketBrain


quality posts: 46 Private Messages PocketBrain

nobody messes with me and my cats.