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All the biggest stars in the NBA played last week! Or were supposed to play last week. Here's how those games were supposed to go:

11/17/11 – Boston Celtics at Orlando Magic

In their grand tradition of sign past-their-prime stars, the Celtics have managed to acquire Allen Iverson, Yao Ming, Karl Malone, Alonzo Mourning, Horace Grant, and George Gervin in the off season. “We’ve also reached out to George Mikan and we’d be really interested in getting that new statue of Bill Russell on the roster, but their people have yet to respond,” says general manager Danny Ainge.

Orlando’s roster has also undergone considerable changes. After a slow start to the season, including an embarrassing loss to the Miami Heat in the opening week, Magic GM Otis Redding traded away everyone on roster aside from Dwight Howard for Joe Smith and then signed Smith to a ludicrous 85million dollar extension. “We want to convince Dwight to stay,” Redding says defending his choice, “And Joe Smith was a number 1 pick. So, as long as he plays at the level people expected of him when he was drafted more than a decade ago, we should be in good shape.”

Before the game, power forward Kevin Garnett gives the Celtics a pep talk. “All of our practices this week have been leading up to this moment. But fear not, my comrades, this match, though it may be of high import, will not be our end. For there will be another after this. The final seconds may tick away and our score may be dwarfed by that of our opponents, but we will rise like the phoenix from the ashes of this loss. Because much in the same way that Finnegans Wake is cyclical, its final line leading perfectly into the sentence fragment with which the novel begins, so is the game of basketball; each contest’s ending is the start of the next.”

It’s a great speech, but entirely unnecessary considering they’re playing an Orlando Magic team of one amazing center, one disappointing forward, and twelve call-ups from the d-league.

Final Score: Celtics 98, Magic 63

11/17/11 – New York Knicks at Los Angeles Lakers

The Knicks’ two superstar forwards Amar’e Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony are admittedly out-of-shape after missing training camp to film a new “Law and Order” series in which they play detectives who investigate sports-betting-related homicides. “New York is just such a great city,” says Anthony. “We’ve been afforded so many amazing opportunities. Where else could you play basketball one day and be a TV star the next?”

When questioned about rumors that he and Amar’e have been asked to throw the game against the Lakers because NBC needs the believable footage of a missed buzzer beater for the show, Anthony says, “We’re going to do what we need to do to win. In basketball and the legal drama ratings war.”

The game is close with the two teams trading leads. The Lakers have struggled defensively since former Defensive Player of the Year, Metta World Peace, retired to write and perform an off-Broadway one-man musical; however, their offense is as strong as ever. The game comes down to the final possession. The ball is in Carmelo’s hands, and he shoots and misses at the buzzer. He, Amar’e, and several NBC executives celebrate alone in the middle of the court.

Final Score: Knicks 114, Lakers 115

More NBA action to come next week! Let me know if there are any games on the schedule that you want to see covered. And if all goes according to plan, we may even put in some pictures again!

Azagthoth


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Azagthoth

"Let me know if there are any games on the schedule that you want to see covered"

Hmmmm, nope. Not a single one. I'm rather enjoying this break. So long NBA players, I haven't missed you AT ALL.