Employees with benefits are a lot like friends with benefits. Employees who have benefits don’t need to worry about severe medical expenses if they trip and fall, just like friends with benefits don’t need to worry about severe emotional expenses if they trip and fall on top of each other and start making out. And apparently, it doesn’t even matter if it happens during your board game night. And even if you’re like, “Mark! Sharon! Can you quit it with the making out! We have not only chutes to go down, but ladders to climb as well!” they’re still not going to stop! So, since you’re the only other person there, you’ll end up having to play for all three of you while they happily roll around on the floor like a couple of jerks!
As you can see, the similarities are crystal clear. The main difference is, when you run a company, it’s a good idea to provide your fulltime workers with benefits like health insurance but a bad idea to provide them with benefits like making out.
That part’s simple enough. From there it gets more complicated because there are tons of insurance companies offering tons of different plans, so it can be difficult to know what’s right for your employees. But don’t worry; we’ve done quite a bit of research on this here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership, and we’ve just recently compiled our findings. Below you will find some advice on what kind of insurance you’ll need to provide based on what kind of people you employ:
If you employ robots: This one’s tough. You won’t really need any insurance for robots, but it might be good to provide them with plans anyway. That way, you might view them as human, and if you view them as human, the workplace might not seem so cold and dull, and if the workplace doesn’t seem so cold and dull, well, that might be just what you need in order to believe in love again.
If you employ gullible people: Gullible people are nice and cheap to insure, because you don’t need to actually get them any insurance. All you need to do is tell them that you’ve got a zero-payroll-deduction, card-less insurance plan that covers everything; there’s just a simple variable copay that’s usually somewhere between 80 and 46,000 dollars.
If you employ jungle cats: If your office is staffed entirely by jungle cats, there’s only one person who needs medical insurance: you. A plan that covers the purchase of a tranquilizer gun would probably be your best bet.
If you employ cursed people: People who have been hexed will require very comprehensive health coverage. A plan that protects against rogue lightning bolts, unexpected lava, and locust-related injuries is a must. But don’t overspend, because remember: these people are cursed. So measures you take to protect them will fail in some wacky way or another.
As always, I am available to answers questions below. But keep in mind that I cannot provide medical advice, because I’m not a doctor (at least, not in the eyes of society, whose stupid, close-minded definition of “doctor” is “someone who has a medical degree and knows stuff about health”).