WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

Employees with benefits are a lot like friends with benefits. Employees who have benefits don’t need to worry about severe medical expenses if they trip and fall, just like friends with benefits don’t need to worry about severe emotional expenses if they trip and fall on top of each other and start making out. And apparently, it doesn’t even matter if it happens during your board game night. And even if you’re like, “Mark! Sharon! Can you quit it with the making out! We have not only chutes to go down, but ladders to climb as well!” they’re still not going to stop! So, since you’re the only other person there, you’ll end up having to play for all three of you while they happily roll around on the floor like a couple of jerks!

 
As you can see, the similarities are crystal clear. The main difference is, when you run a company, it’s a good idea to provide your fulltime workers with benefits like health insurance but a bad idea to provide them with benefits like making out.

That part’s simple enough. From there it gets more complicated because there are tons of insurance companies offering tons of different plans, so it can be difficult to know what’s right for your employees. But don’t worry; we’ve done quite a bit of research on this here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership, and we’ve just recently compiled our findings. Below you will find some advice on what kind of insurance you’ll need to provide based on what kind of people you employ:
 
If you employ robots: This one’s tough. You won’t really need any insurance for robots, but it might be good to provide them with plans anyway. That way, you might view them as human, and if you view them as human, the workplace might not seem so cold and dull, and if the workplace doesn’t seem so cold and dull, well, that might be just what you need in order to believe in love again.

 
If you employ gullible people: Gullible people are nice and cheap to insure, because you don’t need to actually get them any insurance. All you need to do is tell them that you’ve got a zero-payroll-deduction, card-less insurance plan that covers everything; there’s just a simple variable copay that’s usually somewhere between 80 and 46,000 dollars.
 
If you employ jungle cats: If your office is staffed entirely by jungle cats, there’s only one person who needs medical insurance: you. A plan that covers the purchase of a tranquilizer gun would probably be your best bet.

 
If you employ cursed people: People who have been hexed will require very comprehensive health coverage. A plan that protects against rogue lightning bolts, unexpected lava, and locust-related injuries is a must. But don’t overspend, because remember: these people are cursed. So measures you take to protect them will fail in some wacky way or another.

As always, I am available to answers questions below. But keep in mind that I cannot provide medical advice, because I’m not a doctor (at least, not in the eyes of society, whose stupid, close-minded definition of “doctor” is “someone who has a medical degree and knows stuff about health”). 

 

Slydon


quality posts: 17 Private Messages Slydon

Staff

We have programmers who curse as they edit hex. Is this still a situation where your advice applies?

Hi, I'm one of the writers. My powers are limited but I'll do what I can.

kenney9226


quality posts: 6 Private Messages kenney9226

I don't know, man. My aunt had neck surgery to fuse two bones together with a metal plate, and her one-night stay in the hospital cost NINETY THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!

The actual surgery was only like FOUR thousand dollars! That's like double the copay that your gullible workers were quoted, so watch out!

(She's feeling much better now, though!)

dave bug


quality posts: 14 Private Messages dave bug

This is probably a question for a later column, but is it acceptable to ask someone in an interview if they are cursed? I'm not sure if that's a protected area that you can't discriminate against.

doctorclark


quality posts: 9 Private Messages doctorclark

My single employee is a cursed, gullible robot jungle cat; your advice has been invaluable.

Dave Bug: I did not ask whether he (she?) was cursed at the time of the interview, but after the cleanup bill from the locust infestation, I modified his (her?) insurance plan accordingly.

What's it going to be then, eh?

ivanivanovich


quality posts: 24 Private Messages ivanivanovich

Is insurance necessary for wolves who illegally sneak across the border from Canada and are taking big game animals that should rightly go to American-born coyotes?

dseanadams


quality posts: 0 Private Messages dseanadams
Slydon wrote:We have programmers who curse as they edit hex. Is this still a situation where your advice applies?



It doesn't matter whether or not they're cursing while they do it: editing the code of a hex will often make it more dangerous. Get your employees protection against things that don't make sense, like locust made of lava and bolts of lightning bolts (looks like one bolt, but is actually millions of tiny bolts).


Dave Bug wrote:This is probably a question for a later column, but is it acceptable to ask someone in an interview if they are cursed? I'm not sure if that's a protected area that you can't discriminate against.



You probably won't need to ask; a cursed person will be the one who trips on his way in, whose chair breaks under him, and who has an inexplicable tiny rain cloud over his head.

And yes, interviewing will be the subject of next week's lesson. Thanks for the suggestion!

ivanivanovich wrote:Is insurance necessary for wolves who illegally sneak across the border from Canada and are taking big game animals that should rightly go to American-born coyotes?



This is a great simple, just-the-facts, not-some-political-metaphor question!

Wolves do not need to be insured, Canadian or otherwise. Werewolves should receive half the coverage of a normal person, and hairy wolf-man-looking people need three quarters unless they shave and get a haircut. Then it's up to full coverage again.

scarredwithstars


quality posts: 3 Private Messages scarredwithstars

Me and my boss are employees with benefits. But niether of us have health insurance. She does play nurse though. What would you suggest in our case?