Last Week, I offered the position of Dean-Chancellor of the Provost’s Office at The Sean University of Business Management Development Leadership to user Weaselfork. He never responded, and frankly, I don't blame him.The offer was not offical enough. That’s why I’ve decided to forgo my planned lesson for this week (“Fish Tanks in the Office: Eye Candy or Drowning Hazard?”) to present Weaselfork with Sean University's real, official offer letter. I’m posting it publicly because I believe it can serve as a valuable lesson on hiring procedures.
On behalf of all of us here at Sean University, which is actually just me, I am pleased to offer you the position of Dean-Chancellor of the Provost’s Office. This letter lays out the terms of your employment with the University.
Start Date: Your start date was actually last Friday, but I guess you didn’t realize that. Don’t worry, though: eating an entire custom-made cake (shaped like a swimming pool, with a wax figure of you on a high dive and the words “You’ll be sure to make a splash here!” written across the surface of the water) alone and then deflating 89 balloons isn’t as depressing as it sounds.
Salary: Your salary starts at $0 and can be increased by up to 2821% each year at your annual employee review. Occasionally, you may receive a bonus of however many small bills and candy wrappers that fall out of my pocket without me noticing. These bonuses have been happening with less frequency, however, since I sewed the pockets of all my pants shut.
Benefits: Our comprehensive benefits package allows you to self-asses all ailments and self-medicate, free of charge.
Drug Testing: Employees will be tested weekly for a variety of substances that the university has deemed “inappropriate for use in the higher education workplace.” An employee will be terminated immediately if his or her test comes back positive for: heroin, tobacco, cabbage, sugar, fire, tar, spiders, cat hair, plasma, hydrogen peroxide, chalk, aloe, love, avocado, salt, aspirations beyond working at the university, mashed potatoes, wheat, gold, fool’s gold, butter, fool’s butter, ozone, wrenches, dim sum, urine, artichoke hearts, paint, creativity, porcini mushrooms, darts, lies, more mashed potatoes, UV rays and/or methamphetamines.
Intellectual Property: From your start date on, all ideas that you have will become the intellectual property of the University. You’ll be required to announce all of your thoughts out loud as you have them. If you’re just zoning out and not really thinking about much at all, you’ll have to announce that as well. If you’re ever silent for a period lasting longer than a typical deep breath, I’ll be forced to assume you’re having a medical emergency that is causing your brain to shut down, and so I will have no choice but to administer CPR.
Dress Code: Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and every 3rd Sunday, you’re required to wear your official Sean University poncho, embroidered with the image of me hang-gliding into a post-apocalyptic warzone to save a princess disguised as a soldier. Tuesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and all non-3rd Sundays: it’s up to you. Impress me!
Weaselfork, if you agree to these terms, please communicate your acceptance in the form of a sonnet in the comments section. Important: refusal to accept this position will result in the immediate withdrawal of this offer letter. You hear that, Weaselfork: you can’t turn it down! Because we never offered it to you!
Anyone else can respond to this letter in the form of a sonnet as well.