WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

Last Week, I offered the position of Dean-Chancellor of the Provost’s Office at The Sean University of Business Management Development Leadership to user Weaselfork. He never responded, and frankly, I don't blame him.The offer was not offical enough. That’s why I’ve decided to forgo my planned lesson for this week (“Fish Tanks in the Office: Eye Candy or Drowning Hazard?”) to present Weaselfork with Sean University's real, official offer letter. I’m posting it publicly because I believe it can serve as a valuable lesson on hiring procedures.

Dear Weaselfork,

On behalf of all of us here at Sean University, which is actually just me, I am pleased to offer you the position of Dean-Chancellor of the Provost’s Office. This letter lays out the terms of your employment with the University.

Start Date: Your start date was actually last Friday, but I guess you didn’t realize that. Don’t worry, though: eating an entire custom-made cake (shaped like a swimming pool, with a wax figure of you on a high dive and the words “You’ll be sure to make a splash here!” written across the surface of the water) alone and then deflating 89 balloons isn’t as depressing as it sounds.

Salary: Your salary starts at $0 and can be increased by up to 2821% each year at your annual employee review.  Occasionally, you may receive a bonus of however many small bills and candy wrappers that fall out of my pocket without me noticing. These bonuses have been happening with less frequency, however, since I sewed the pockets of all my pants shut.

Benefits: Our comprehensive benefits package allows you to self-asses all ailments and self-medicate, free of charge. 

Drug Testing: Employees will be tested weekly for a variety of substances that the university has deemed “inappropriate for use in the higher education workplace.” An employee will be terminated immediately if his or her test comes back positive for: heroin, tobacco, cabbage, sugar, fire, tar, spiders, cat hair, plasma, hydrogen peroxide, chalk, aloe, love, avocado, salt, aspirations beyond working at the university, mashed potatoes, wheat, gold, fool’s gold, butter, fool’s butter, ozone, wrenches, dim sum, urine, artichoke hearts, paint, creativity, porcini mushrooms, darts, lies, more mashed potatoes, UV rays and/or methamphetamines.     

Intellectual Property: From your start date on, all ideas that you have will become the intellectual property of the University. You’ll be required to announce all of your thoughts out loud as you have them. If you’re just zoning out and not really thinking about much at all, you’ll have to announce that as well. If you’re ever silent for a period lasting longer than a typical deep breath, I’ll be forced to assume you’re having a medical emergency that is causing your brain to shut down, and so I will have no choice but to administer CPR.

Dress Code: Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and every 3rd Sunday, you’re required to wear your official Sean University poncho, embroidered with the image of me hang-gliding into a post-apocalyptic warzone to save a princess disguised as a soldier. Tuesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and all non-3rd Sundays: it’s up to you. Impress me!

Weaselfork, if you agree to these terms, please communicate your acceptance in the form of a sonnet in the comments section. Important: refusal to accept this position will result in the immediate withdrawal of this offer letter. You hear that, Weaselfork: you can’t turn it down! Because we never offered it to you!

Anyone else can respond to this letter in the form of a sonnet as well.
 

constantvelocitty


quality posts: 0 Private Messages constantvelocitty

He's probably all wacked out on Ozone. That seems to be the trend lately at huffersforums.com. Apparently the only thing better than inhaling CFC's is the sweet sweet ozone it (reportedly) depletes.

livingod


quality posts: 0 Private Messages livingod

Oh Weaselfork!
Thou art is an arse
Though I am not Weaselfork
Sean, would you consider this verse
I would gladly accept this offer
For this is an opportunity
Like no other
I want to join this fraternity
For I will give up
My current job as a mercenary
For I cry like a pup
When I snipe a person named Gary
Oh Sean of university
Hear this poetry

mooocow130


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mooocow130

Sonnets are too hard, and old. Perhaps you are scaring him away. Replying in LOLspeak would be a kinder requirement. AND, might I recommend making it the required foreign language of your esteemed institution? It's what we'll all be speaking in twenty years down the road...prepare your pupils with valuable life skills!

Moueska


quality posts: 54 Private Messages Moueska

Fool! This Weaselfork doth not know his loss,
Malign the great offer of Sean? Never!
Truly, ignorance of his win, tossed?
This slight, mere oversight, so unclever.

How dare he, strange ruffian, be so rude
As to lay silent in the presence of
such gold? Congratulatory mood
broken, how can I possibly show love

for this weasel, my brother in fraternity,
who does not appear before us. Lament!
The school is lost for all eternity!
Lost candidate, the recruiter's torment?

Do not think this is opportunity,
knocking, knocking so, yon community.

(*secretly leaves application at the doorstep*)

livingod


quality posts: 0 Private Messages livingod
Moueska wrote:Fool! This Weaselfork doth not know his loss,
Malign the great offer of Sean? Never!
Truly, ignorance of his win, tossed?
This slight, mere oversight, so unclever.

How dare he, strange ruffian, be so rude
As to lay silent in the presence of
such gold? Congratulatory mood
broken, how can I possibly show love

for this weasel, my brother in fraternity,
who does not appear before us. Lament!
The school is lost for all eternity!
Lost candidate, the recruiter's torment?

Do not think this is opportunity,
knocking, knocking so, yon community.

(*secretly leaves application at the doorstep*)



WOW

doctorclark


quality posts: 9 Private Messages doctorclark

When I set out to write this stupid rhyme,
I first decided I would caution Sean
that making applicants spend so much time
on poetry would make them die of yawn.

This “Weaselfork”--whose name has recently
come up regarding Sean U’s chancellor’s post--
has heart and is the favored appointee;
but doctorclark would like this job the most.

If pentameric crap is now the skill
to dig me out of this deep jobless hole,
I will apply myself through force of will.
Of mooocow130’s suggested LOLs:

OMGLOLSFTU
Regarding this position at Sean U.

What's it going to be then, eh?

ckingphotos


quality posts: 0 Private Messages ckingphotos

I wasn't sure if you wanted an Occitan Sonnet, Shakespearean Sonnet, or a Modern Sonnet, so I picked none of those and made up my own crap.

Betwixt me longing pause
Doth lie the cause
For never is there a new
Hammer, nail or saws

Twelve plus four not six
Bundle of Popsicle sticks
The cow goes, "Moo!"
Ozone, Mashed, just two of my flaws

None of this make sense
But hey it's not worth even a pence
Sean look over here!
Sorry I thought I saw Santa Clause

Have you played that new game
Not that one...it's kind of the same
One, two, buckle my shoe
Puppies and Kitties have paws

Phenylketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine
The end is seen

Slydon


quality posts: 17 Private Messages Slydon

Staff

ckingphotos wrote:I wasn't sure if you wanted an Occitan Sonnet, Shakespearean Sonnet, or a Modern Sonnet, so I picked none of those and made up my own crap.



A cking sonnet? That name also has the added bonus of looking kinda dirty.

Hi, I'm one of the writers. My powers are limited but I'll do what I can.

stevehaynes


quality posts: 1 Private Messages stevehaynes
doctorclark wrote:
OMGLOLSFTU
Regarding this position at Sean U.



Best Shakespearean sonnet closing couplet ever.

rayray099


quality posts: 6 Private Messages rayray099
ckingphotos wrote: so I picked none of those and made up my own crap.



It paid off! That was hilarious.