Pull your tuxedo t-shirt from the bottom of that pile of laundry. It's time for the awards show awaited by thousands, because it means our interminable CES 2012 coverage is finally complete. Presenting the 2012 Wootable Awards!
This year's salute comes in two parts: the star-studded, no-singing, no-dancing video extravaganza, followed by some pics-and-text bonus honors for truly sad Wootable devotees. Now, everybody, let's Wootable! Take it away, Matthew!
Now, read on for far more Wootable Awards than anyone should waste their time compiling, much less reading:
Most Unfortunate Stock Photo
Everybody at this company was probably too mature to notice, but we were startled to turn a corner and find this guy flipping us the... well, phone, it turns out. But now we can't un-see it...
Booth We Most Hoped Was from Frito Lay
"Silence in a chip?! Finally!" We longed for the days when our midnight Frito indulgences wouldn't wake up our wives, but alas. It was completely unrelated to chips we eat.
Most Unwanted Innovation
Just what America's highways need: more Facebook.
Grossest TV Demonstration Footage
"Guys, I found the perfect thing to show off the vivid colors and crisp picture of our new TVs: a nature show about parasitic fungi that invade and kill their insect hosts. Just fire up the infested moth carcass and watch the orders roll in."
Most Disturbing "Fun" Mascot
Imagine a pie smashing into a human face, forever. That's what this unsettling bro seems to be shouting at us. It's a whole new kind of "party loyalty."
Wisest Zen Copywriting (three-way tie)
It wouldn't be CES without the pebbles of accidental brilliance that flake off of the collision between East and West. "Inspiring Fusions" indeed.
Saddest Endorsement from Beyond the Grave
OK, so it's not as if House of Marley is the first outfit to make money off of Bob Marley's iconic image. His original success was aided by an army of Island Records cretins from Chris Blackwell on down. And at least House of Marley is run by his son Rohan, and gives 5% of its profits to charity. Fine. It's still a bummer to see his lyrics turned into a backdrop for business dudes hustling headphones and laptop bags.
Company Name We're Pretty Sure We Saw People Eat on an Episode of Iron Chef
We don't know what's in Guangdong Roule, we just know that it looked horrific and Andrew Zimmern said it tasted "nutty."
Most Awkward Moment in German-American Relations: "Zee Germans Are Coming."
Now we know why Germany forbids any mention of the Nazi Party: it sounds really creepy when they bring it up like this.
Lamest Rave Review
Like saying "incredible flavor for rat meat" or "incredible rapping for a 70-year-old white man."
Company Most Likely to Really Screw Up Your Supply Chain:
At Reverse Logistics, our model is simple: take your products away from your customers, ship them back to you, and clutter up your warehouse.
Worst Use of Sexual Suggestion (tie)
I know I sound like a stand-up comic circa 1992, but IS there even a V Spot? Where is it? What do I DO with it?
Worst Use of Sexual Suggestion (tie)
Uh, OK, maybe. It all depends on exactly where the rhinestones are placed.
Best Intentions, Worst Results
A printer that automatically prints out email for seniors, without requiring them to log in to a computer? Sounds great, until you have to explain to Grandma what GET L0NG3R 4 HER ALL N1TE means.
Most Oxymoronic Company Name
"Noisehush? Innovation you can hear? So, if I can hear it, does that mean the hush part doesn't work? I'm confused."
Most Unsettling Mannequin
Sometimes you aim for "whimsical" and hit "terrifying". That's the mannequin biz.
Least Desirable Mental Image Conjured
Nothing sells product like nostalgia. Remember that time you sat down in some indeterminate pool of goo? Maybe they just couldn't find a good acronym that hadn't been taken. "GOOSAT" doesn't even vaguely imply "Globalsat International Technology Ltd."
Company Name Most Likely to be the Name of an Upcoming Pokemon
Go, muRata! I choose you!
Most Illegible Display
Have you been wandering the Las Vegas Convention Center during CES wishing you could get away to a remote wilderness and live in your own log cabin? You HAVE?! Well, good luck getting any info off this verbose 11-point display hanging below waist height!
Simplest Aggravation Eliminator
"Hi, honey, it's Mom. Could you come over and look at my phone again? For some reason it just won't hold a charge."
Most Fiendish Booth Giveaway
Oldest trick in the book. First you get 'em hooked on your branded energy dri- er, "dietary supplement". Then you sell 'em the bag that charges their devices on the go.
"Low Hanging Fruit" Award for the Joke That Most Easily Writes Itself
C'mon, guys. Drop the i already.
Thanks everybody! Our CES 2012 coverage now ends its broadcast day. We'll do it all again next year, unless we're lucky enough to move on to bigger and better things, like drowning in a kayaking accident.