You ever get a paper cut at work and think, “Ugh! This is terrible!”? Well hey, it could be worse. You could get a paper cut from a piece of paper that’s on fire while falling down the stairs onto a poorly-placed office cactus. Sure, this probably sounds pretty funny (or tragic, if you’re really sensitive about cacti), but the truth is these are the kinds of things you have to think about when you run a business, because in order to keep things running smoothly, you need to keep your employees safe.
This can sound like a hefty task, but don’t worry; we here at the Sean Adams University of Business Development Management Leadership have a few tips for you. However, before I get into those, I need to give a brief disclaimer: I am by no means a certified safety expert. Nor am I a doctor, although I dabble in recreational surgery. Still with all my experience in business, I feel confident that I can help keep you and your employees safe. So, here it is, the Sean University guide to avoiding office dangers:
The Paper Cutter: The paper cutter can is a really dangerous piece of equipment and can do you quite a lot of damage, especially if you have paper hands. That’s why you need to teach your employees to keep their hands as far away from the blade as possible – which means a) they need to learn how to move things with their minds, or b) they need to get good at operating levers with their chins.
The Coffee Machine: Coffee is an essential part of any workplace. It can also be really hot. If an employee mishandles a coffee pot, he could seriously burn himself, or worse, get some on his pants where it looks like he’s wet himself, which could lead to rumors starting, which could lead to him losing all of his friends, which could lead to a life of loneliness and despair. Now, you might wonder, which employees are more likely to mishandle a coffee pot? Tired ones. For this reason, it’s important to make sure that the only employees handling the coffee pot are employees who’ve already had their coffee.
Sick Employees: The two most dangerous kinds of employees are 1) employees that are secretly killer robots, and 2) sick employees. You can usually weed out the first kind with a series of rigorous emotional tests, but the second kind is a lot harder to avoid because all employees get sick sometimes (except, ironically, employees that are secretly killer robots). That’s why, to prevent germs from spreading, it’s important to make sure you’ve got plenty of hand sanitizer and tissues around the office. Also, you should make sneezing a fire-able offense.
Dot Matrix Printer: A dot matrix printer won’t cause you any harm by itself; it’s what the dot matrix implies – that you’ve accidentally slipped through a wormhole that’s taken you back through time to 1991 – that’s dangerous. So, tell your employees, if they see a dot matrix printer, to remain calm. Really calm. Like, calm enough to be comfortable there forever. Because there’s no way you’re going to be stupid enough to travel back to 1991 to save them, am I right?
That’s all I know about office safety. Now it's up to you to contribute. Post a comment below explaining how you stay safe in your office.