WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

FROM: KATHERINE TULL-POTTS (KITTYKAT@LYCOSMAIL.COM)

TO: <OFFICE>

SUBJECT: UPS DELIVERY UPDATED ****READ THIS, DAMMIT****

People: There are some changes to the UPS package pickup system.  First, UPS is now picked up in the AFTERNOON instead of the MORNING. Please note the "delivery" placard - if it is ORANGE, that means that the deliveryman has come. If it is RUST-COLORED, that means he has not. REMEMBER: WILLIAM OF ORANGE "ASSUMED" THE BRITISH CROWN IN 1689. ORANGE = "ASSUMED" = "TAKEN".

Second, our regular UPS guy has been replaced by NOTORIOUS RAKE Andrê Jassón. He is a tall, swarthy man of QUESTIONABLE MORAL FIBER, and he WILL SEDUCE YOU unless you're prepared. Here are some "tips":
  • If Andrê is pushing a hand truck toward you, DO NOT avert your gaze. This will only inflame his animal passions. Look directly above him, but NOT into his eyes (see next "tip").
  • Mr. Jassón's eyes are two impossibly tranquil pools of steely quicksilver. If you are stupid enough to ignore the first "tip" (as I'm positive many of you are (Jess M.)), you will feel an impossible-to-swallow lump at the base of your throat after making eye contact with the profligate. YOU HAVE BEEN SEDUCED. All you can do now is try not to become emotionally attached. After being ravished: MOVE ON. Last year we lost three good interns who were convinced that Andrê loved them. Don't be a damned fool.
  • Andre Jassón's musk is as subtly sweet as rich, loamy soil. When he enters a room, immediately stick two highlighter markers up BOTH OF YOUR NOSTRILS lest you be overcome by his manly aroma. But, I'm not messing around here folks: DO NOT USE THE OFFICE HIGHLIGHTERS as this will ruin them. Bring your own highlighters in and put a piece of ORANGE tape on them so we know they are not office highlighters, but musk-averting highlighters. Please do not confuse your pneumonic device for the ORANGE markers and the ORANGE UPS placard, mmk?
Thanks everybody. Send me a paraphrased version  of this email so I know you read and understood it.

Bye.

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA.

wootvan


quality posts: 62 Private Messages wootvan

Dang! I gave the former UPS guy a bunch of mailing labels with my address on them and I'm NEVER without a LeakFrog, Roomba or Venus Fusion Hair Extension (he picks up there too).

aaronshall


quality posts: 5 Private Messages aaronshall

Let me get this right. Stick highlighters up your nose when Andrê enters the room?
Wouldn't that make for awkward face-to-face conversation?

asahel01


quality posts: 5 Private Messages asahel01

As a UPS driver I want to know why I don't ever get to deliver Woot! packages to anyone. FedEx gets all the joy :'( It also explains why so many office people have highlighters up their nose when I come in. I just thought it was some new fashion thing.

I Woot therefore I spend.

0x776F6F7421


quality posts: 4 Private Messages 0x776F6F7421
Please do not confuse your pneumonic device for the ORANGE markers and the ORANGE UPS placard, mmk?

Pneumonic device? Oh my God.

Best. Pun. Ever.

BobinPasadena


quality posts: 0 Private Messages BobinPasadena

Do you need to take the caps off the highlighters first?

EssenGrabow


quality posts: 3 Private Messages EssenGrabow
BobinPasadena wrote:Do you need to take the caps off the highlighters first?



Ooh! Good question. Also, if you DO take off the caps, how do you remove the highlighter stains from your nose? Or, barring that, how do you explain them to your [spouse|SO|bowling team|etc].

apoor


quality posts: 2 Private Messages apoor
Send me a paraphrased version of this email so I know you read and understood it.



I don't work in a cube farm, so I have no firsthand knowledge. Are there really people out there who end their emails with a line like this? This is one of those pieces of information that I would be much happier if I didn't know it.

orabbit


quality posts: 31 Private Messages orabbit

Couldn't one build up a tolerance to the musk by keeping a sachet of rich loam on one's desk and inhaling liberally? Much like building up a tolerance to iocane powder.

rayray099


quality posts: 6 Private Messages rayray099
0x776F6F7421 wrote:Pneumonic device? Oh my God.

Best. Pun. Ever.



I don't think I get it! double sad face

vwtick


quality posts: 2 Private Messages vwtick

I think dry erase markers are much more pungent then highlighters

long haired freaky hippy geek

peds2001


quality posts: 0 Private Messages peds2001

I perfer the fruit scented flavor.

RNLori


quality posts: 6 Private Messages RNLori

You could also try the trick we nurses use for vile smells. A bit of Vick's Vapor rub in the nostrils lasts all day.

After reading this, however, I would like to make a special request. Could you put him in my upcoming Bunch of Change? I won't even need the other 2 items. Don't expect him back anytime soon!

cntheilacker


quality posts: 1 Private Messages cntheilacker
rayray099 wrote:I don't think I get it! double sad face



Pneumonic= lung-related (as in "pneumonic plague")

Mnemonic= learning technique that aids memory (as in "WILLIAM OF ORANGE 'ASSUMED' THE BRITISH CROWN IN 1689. ORANGE = 'ASSUMED' = 'TAKEN').

Excellent pun or accidental coincidence, you decide. Either way, this memo from the office manager is one of the strangest things I have read in quite some time. I love it!

k0ugs


quality posts: 6 Private Messages k0ugs
apoor wrote:I don't work in a cube farm, so I have no firsthand knowledge. Are there really people out there who end their emails with a line like this? This is one of those pieces of information that I would be much happier if I didn't know it.



there are "read receipts" that will allow the reader to check a box saying they read the email.

(>.<)\m/

Sher48gage


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Sher48gage

My UPS guy is a girl.

DaveInSoCal


quality posts: 17 Private Messages DaveInSoCal

Is this wootrotica?


MISRy


quality posts: 0 Private Messages MISRy

"stick two highlighter markers up BOTH OF YOUR NOSTRILS"

Is that two highlighters up *each* nostril?

Assuming that is the case I must now find my Tom's Hardware Hammer to try to smash the visuals out of my mind.