Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
CHICAGO (UPI) -- Eugene Polley, the American inventor of the television remote control, has died at age 96, his former employer announced.
His body was found stuffed between the couch pillows after a annoyingly long search.
TOLEDO, Ohio (UPI) -- Authorities in Ohio said a man clad in a Darth Vader mask and black clothes robbed a bank with a semi-automatic pistol instead of a light saber and the Force.
Authorities say a sobbing George Lucas was led from his home in chains, screaming "WAS THAT DARK ENOUGH FOR YOU, INTERNET?"
BEIJING (UPI) -- City officials in Beijing said they are suggesting new standards for public toilets to allow only two flies per facility.
Toilets frequented by those who wear trousers will be allowed one additional fly.
RANKIN, Pa. (UPI) -- Police in Pennsylvania said an officer was charged with trespassing and criminal mischief for allegedly breaking into a neighbor's home to do laundry.
Sources say that if the police had arrived just a few minutes later, the last load would have been complete, and the officer would have made a clean getaway.
SLIDELL, La. (UPI) -- A rogue dolphin living in a canal in Slidell, La., has been attacking swimmers and boaters, and little can be done about it, authorities say.
However residents are somewhat cheered with the knowledge that their story is likely to be the subject of a SyFy Original Movie sometime before Christmas.
Leather couch from Jason Spaceman and 067-365 from krossbow are used under a Creative Commons License