WootBot


quality posts: 15 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

Congratulations on the instance of random chance that led to your particular consciousness inhabiting this particular physical vessel! As the proud new owner of a Human Body™ (v1.2.1) your questions about the operation, maintenance, and features of your new body will be answered in this instruction manual.

This portion of the manual will cover the first six months of operation (or "life").

 

 

DELIVERY OF YOUR NEW BODY

Your new Human Body will be delivered to you at no cost and with very little effort (though significant emotional trauma) on your part. Upon delivery of your new body, you must immediately prime and start your Human Body Respiratory System®. Failure to do so may result in damage or permanent loss of your Human Body. (For detailed instructions on the starting and operation of your Human Body Respiratory System®, please see the FEATURES section.)

Once running, your Human Body Respiratory System® should continue unimpeded with no further input from you for the duration of your ownership. If your Human Body Respiratory System® does not start or does not continue running, please seek immediate assistance from the nearest Human Body Delivery Technician or Human Body Caretaker®.

NOTE: Though not technically required, Human Genome highly recommends using the services of a certified Human Body Delivery Technician for delivery of your new body.

 

INSPECTION

Much care is taken and painstaking genetic craftsmanship is used in the handcrafting of your unique, personalized, one of a kind (disregard if you have manifested in the Human Body TWIN model) Human Body. We at Human Genome pride ourselves on attention to detail, although any operation running on such a scale can sometimes experience defective or erroneous construction. Please take a moment to review and inspect your Human Body™ for inconsistencies. Any concerns should be brought to the immediate attention of your Human Body Caretaker®.

NOTE: Your Human Body™ will require at least one Human Body Caretaker® (of either gender) for the first several years of ownership. For best results, Human Genome recommends a minimum of two Human Body Caretaker® units.

Your Human Body™ is shipped placenta-sealed and compacted. Please allow for expansion in a well-ventilated area to remove any smell and impressions left by compression.

Please refer to the diagram above:


HEAD
The HEAD of your body serves as primary processor and input sensor casing. The head should generally be round, although due to the compression and delivery process, may initially have a conical shape. This is normal and should dissipate within a few weeks.

EYE
Your Human Body EYE comes in a set of two on the forward-facing side of your head. The eyes are your optical sensors and will serve as your main sensory input devices, and should be what you're using to visually inspect your new body. Initially your vision may be blurry, and consist only of vague shapes. This is perfectly normal; your eyes will adjust to their use and vision should sharpen.

NOTE: Eyes will require frequent cleaning and lubrication. Clean and lubricate your eyes by blinking. Avoid using any sort of cleaning instrument or products other than Human Body™-approved blinking, or damage may occur.

EAR
Ears should be symmetrically located on either side of your HEAD. These will serve as your primary auditory sensors. Ears may produce wax; this is normal. Avoid putting anything inside your ears or your warranty may be voided.

NOSE
Your body should come with one NOSE. The nose can be used to detect smells. Smells, at first, may seem confusing. Eventually you will discover more pleasant smells. Your Human Body will produce a variety of smells throughout your ownership, ranging from pleasant to offensive.

MOUTH
The mouth is your primary intake for fuel. Initially your body will require a rich, liquid mixture. Human Genome recommends you fuel your body with Human Milk® to develop properly. Your mouth also serves as your most effective means of communication.

Although your mouth and its internal components will take some time to develop the dexterity for your chosen language, you will find generic wailing and screaming to be extremely effective at summoning any nearby Human Body Caretaker® units to assist you.

For these first six months, all components of your body below the head will not be of much use while neural connections develop. You may notice your Human Body Caretaker® units wrap  your body tightly. This is perfectly normal and is done so to prevent inadvertent damage to your body.

Use your MOUTH to indicate to your Human Body Caretaker® units any need of fueling, cleaning, or other maintenance you may require. For this initial phase, your responsibilities are minor and consist only of eating and growing.

For instructions regarding the next stage of your body ownership, please read Section 2.

mac daddy1


quality posts: 8 Private Messages mac daddy1

Perhaps YOU think that your consciousness inhabiting your body was random. What if it wasn't? What if there was a plan? Can you put all the parts of a swiss watch in a plastic bag and carry it and it will assemble itself after a time of random jostling? How long would that take? You are no more random than a bag of watch parts that can form themselves into a working, functioning marvel of sophisticated assemblage.

llandar


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
mac daddy1 wrote:Perhaps YOU think that your gender selection was random. What if it wasn't?



These questions are fun! Here are some more:

What if the sky was bologna?
What if hot was cold?
What if we're all just manifestations of one single mind playing out the most intricate dream ever, and as soon as they wake up we all disappear?

Slydon


quality posts: 18 Private Messages Slydon

Staff

llandar wrote:These questions are fun! Here are some more:

What if the sky was bologna?



I feel like Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds might have sounded more like Molly Hatchet in that scenario.

Hi, I'm one of the writers. My powers are limited but I'll do what I can.

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

Your new Human Body will be delivered to you at no cost and with very little effort .


You better hope you never come face to face with anyone who gave birth and read this!

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

dukeofwulf


quality posts: 7 Private Messages dukeofwulf

Despite my initial skepticism, this was quite an entertaining read! Keep them coming!

llandar


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
dontwantaname wrote:Your new Human Body will be delivered to you at no cost and with very little effort .


You better hope you never come face to face with anyone who gave birth and read this!



You should've read the whole sentence. Very little effort on your part.

abitterwoman


quality posts: 28 Private Messages abitterwoman

Haha, I love it. Never having a baby, but this is great info to know in case evil zombie babies take over the world someday.



"Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose."

dukeofwulf


quality posts: 7 Private Messages dukeofwulf
mac daddy1 wrote:Perhaps YOU think that your consciousness inhabiting your body was random. What if it wasn't? What if there was a plan? Can you put all the parts of a swiss watch in a plastic bag and carry it and it will assemble itself after a time of random jostling? How long would that take? You are no more random than a bag of watch parts that can form themselves into a working, functioning marvel of sophisticated assemblage.



A Swiss watch isn't built to self-destruct within a century, and it doesn't come with a dozen extra parts.

Well, maybe I'm wrong about that second one. If Swiss watches come with wisdom teeth, male nipples, appendixes, goosebumps, or coccyxes, please let me know.

mac daddy1


quality posts: 8 Private Messages mac daddy1
dukeofwulf wrote:A Swiss watch isn't built to self-destruct within a century, and it doesn't come with a dozen extra parts.

Well, maybe I'm wrong about that second one. If Swiss watches come with wisdom teeth, male nipples, appendixes, goosebumps, or coccyxes, please let me know.

While your argument has an initial unassailable appearance, it falls apart quickly as we go deeper into the implicit exxtrapolations. While a swiss Rolex has a 40-year expected usefulness, acccording to one source, swiss watches do not come from self replicating factories. While humans have extra "parts", who can say they have no usefulness? You imply that wisdom teeth, male nipples, appendixes, goosebumps, or coccyxes, have no function, but is that really true? It takes a greater mind to design and build a self-replicating factory than to build a swiss watch.
As far as "extra" parts, logic would dictate that a part is extra only if it was unnecessary for a desired function. If life is the ultimate function, eyes, ears, arms, legs, ribs, organs, hair, other appendages, all become "extra". With artificial means, even the heart, kidneys, etc. can be removed and life supported. About the only thing I could think of that couldn't be replaced and life still be sustained would be the brain stem, but even that may get a workaround in the future.

Bottom line is, the human body is capable of so much more than a simple watch, is so much more complicated than can be accomplished by "random" chance, and has a tremendous reserve of redundancy built in to enable it to continue to function. There's nothing random about it.

llandar


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
mac daddy1 wrote:Bottom line is, the human body is capable of so much more than a simple watch, is so much more complicated than can be accomplished by "random" chance, and has a tremendous reserve of redundancy built in to enable it to continue to function. There's nothing random about it.



Obviously we all agree such a complicated design could only evolve over millions of years through trial and error across thousands of generations of mutating offspring.

pmillsrulz


quality posts: 6 Private Messages pmillsrulz

You know what is really frightening?
The appendix.

Seriously, if it inflames it is excruciatingly painful, causes the body's temperature to increase to dangerous levels, causes inflammation of the peritoneum, causes vomiting, and if untreated, your Human Body will cease to function. You will die!

Seriously, why is it there? Is it there as a threat? If it gets inflamed, does that mean your Human Body model is defective and you're not really supposed to be alive? Who says?

Great. I was going to go to bed, but now I'll stay up late, soothing my appendix. Probably with ice cream.

llandar


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
pmillsrulz wrote:You know what is really frightening?
The appendix.

Seriously, if it inflames it is excruciatingly painful, causes the body's temperature to increase to dangerous levels, causes inflammation of the peritoneum, causes vomiting, and if untreated, your Human Body will cease to function. You will die!

Seriously, why is it there? Is it there as a threat? If it gets inflamed, does that mean your Human Body model is defective and you're not really supposed to be alive? Who says?

Great. I was going to go to bed, but now I'll stay up late, soothing my appendix. Probably with ice cream.



Research indicates the appendix harbors beneficial gut flora to act as a reservoir for them to repopulate after catastrophic system imbalance (diarrhea).

lipophilia


quality posts: 11 Private Messages lipophilia

I loved this piece - and was thinking to myself, "Gee - if only I could have read the manual back when it could have been useful..." Then I go to the comments and old Mr. Buzzkill (MacDaddy1) decides to go all retro on us - turning what could have been a fun discussion into a rant from the guy who probably thinks that the Flintstones was a realistic vision of man and dinosaurs coexisting. (Or the alternative view that the so-called dinosaurs are some kind of conspiracy.) Lighten up dude! If you want to try to cram that nonsense down somebody's throat, there are lots of other places on the interwebs that will really like what you have to say.

rytard22


quality posts: 1 Private Messages rytard22

As a tech writer, I really enjoyed reading this. Reminds me of the Just In Time for Spring piece in the New Yorker a couple years ago. I can't wait to read Section 2!

EssenGrabow


quality posts: 3 Private Messages EssenGrabow

You didn't mention the production of poop or pee.

Also, many new Human Body Owners seem to relish the ability to "squirt" Human Care Givers as waste disposal receptacles are changed, as well as the old "Mount Vesuvius" trick with a just-eaten meal.

pmillsrulz


quality posts: 6 Private Messages pmillsrulz
llandar wrote:Research indicates the appendix harbors beneficial gut flora to act as a reservoir for them to repopulate after catastrophic system imbalance (diarrhea).



That makes me feel a little better. Although diarrhea is never a comfortable subject.

And this was a fun piece to read, btw! Can't wait for Section 2.

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag
mac daddy1 wrote:Can you put all the parts of a swiss watch in a plastic bag and carry it and it will assemble itself after a time of random jostling?



With fifteen billion years to kill, repeating the process with watches spread throughout roughly twelve million-billion-billion cubic parsecs? The numbers might not be too far off.

I'll grant you that one could and might prefer to rig the initial setup of the parts and placement to favor construction, and winding the watchspring is far less likely.

You could also bias the experiment by assuming that a specific model of watch is the only possible interesting outcome.

But just getting a subset of infinitely-composable parts into an eventually-useful configuration isn't a very big deal, if you're patient. Every time you whack a broken gadget in frustration and bring it back to life, you're doing something similar (if less impressive), after all.

I might also add that a lot of art and engineering happens including coincidence or accident in the process. The width of modern cars and roads is just a historical accident carried along for thousands of years. Even design isn't always intentional.

jcolag


quality posts: 8 Private Messages jcolag
EssenGrabow wrote:You didn't mention the production of poop or pee.



Might not be the user's problem this early in the book. It's not like you're going to give a crap.

Figuratively, I mean.

lipophilia


quality posts: 11 Private Messages lipophilia
jcolag wrote:...
I'll grant you that one could and might prefer to rig the initial setup of the parts and placement to favor construction, and winding the watchspring is far less likely.

You could also bias the experiment by assuming that a specific model of watch is the only possible interesting outcome.



In other words, much like evolution, the combinations that are favorable for the outcome need to have a higher probability of sticking around. The watch analogy fails because there is no advantage to the watch when a particular bolt hapens to end up connected to the right nut or the minute and hour hands hapen to align on the spindle. To give the watch a fair chance, you could assume that these configurations are somehow more stable than the random "tossed in a bag" configuration. Eventually, the collective benefits result in a "correctly assembled" watch. In an even better analogy, there are billions of additional parts and there would be a chance of coming up with an even better watch, but again - there has to be an advantage to the improved design.