In honor of Keep America Weird week, I’m listing the five state birds that I’d like to throw down engage in some fisticuffs with.
1. Ruffed Grouse
Reason to fight: Look if you want to start fighting state birds, you’re going to need something beginner level. Well, check it: this guy’s so used to getting roughed up that they had to put it in its friggin’ name.
Weapon to use: Bare Hands
2. Blue Hen chicken
Reason to fight: “Blue Hen chicken”? Well, jeez! Why don’t we add a little bit more redundancy in there? How about “Blue Hen Chicken Beaked Bird Who Primarily Produces Eggs”? No way! Some dumb chicken from a state the size of an in-ground thinks it has the right to waste my breath on its repetitive name? Then I’ll just have to give him the right… hook, that is.
Weapon to use: Boxing Gloves
3. Common Loon
Reason to fight: You know that friend? The one who’s always like, “I’m such a loser. No one likes me!” and it’s really clear that he’s just fishing for compliments, so you’re like, “No way, man! You’re awesome!” and he’s all like, “Oh yeah? What have I ever done?” and you’re like, “You paint such beautiful pictures!” and that’s kind of a lie – his paintings are pretty lame, and they’re all of mermaids and scantily clad alien women – and really you’re just tired of going through this every couple of weeks? Well, in the state bird kingdom, that guy’s the Common Loon; he’s like, “Hrmph, I’m so common!” and you just want to be like, “Bro, if you’re so common, then how come you’re the ONLY STATE BIRD OF MINNESOTA?! C’mon! Grow a pair and just own it!”
Weapon to use: Verbal Assault
4. Scissor-tailed Flycatcher
Reason to fight:
Did you know that the Scissor-tailed Flycatcher is also known as the Texas bird-of-paradise? Yeah, that’s right: it’s accepted one state’s state-bird-ship while allowing itself to be identified with another! This two-timing, two-tailed avian needs to pay!
Weapon to use:
Scissors (for irony)
5. Cactus Wren
Reason to fight:
I arrived at the party late, and started looking around for Janine. She’d called me up earlier to tell me that it was a boring party and I shouldn’t come, but something about her tone made me suspicious. Sure enough, I spotted her across the room, smiling coyly at a Cactus Wren as he talked about how he was the largest North American Wren; how he’d from time-to-time eat seeds, fruits, small reptiles, and frogs; how he could quite mischievous and will fly into the open windows of automobiles; just a bunch of self-elating crap, really. Well, I walked straight up to him and told him to quit yapping at my girl. He said, “Your girl? Tell you what: I’ll challenge you to a sitting-on-cacti contest. Winner gets Janine.” I lost my girl that night. Forever. After all, Cactus Wrens do form permanent pair bonds. But man, what I wouldn’t give that stupid bird a challenge of my own.
Weapon to use:
Mace (because it kind of looks like a cactus)
Now it’s your turn. What state bird would you like to fight and why? Let us know in the comments!
Photos: "Ruffed grouse (Bonasa umbellus) in Canadian Rocky Mountains" by flickr user, MiguelVieira; "Common loon" by flickr user, USFWS Pacific; "Cactus wren and shadow" by flickr user, AlanH2O. All used under a Creative Commons License.