quality posts: 16 Private Messages WootBot


There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. Oars vs. Eyes in terms of Getting a Table at the Hottest New Restaurant

People say that you can communicate a lot with your eyes, but that’s the same as saying that you can communicate a lot with Russian: it only works if the other person’s fluent. So even if you could get your eyes to say just the right thing to get you a table at the hottest new restaurant, there’s no guarantee that the maitre d’ will even be able to read it. Oars are totally different. There’s no mistaking their meaning; they show strength and ruggedness. Walking into a restaurant with oars implies you came by boat, so it’s basically like you’re basically saying, “I used my arm-strength to get me here. Now, are you going to give me a table, or am I going to have to use my arm strength to get that too?”



2. Ash vs. Cash in terms of Scoring Goals in terms of Getting Into Your Car After Locking Your Keys in It

You’re not unlocking a car with cash or ash; it just doesn’t work that way. No, you’re calling someone to come unlock your car door for you, and in order to get someone to do that, you’re going to need to pay them with cash, right? Probably… but MAYBE NOT! What if you’re talking about someone who wants to exchange his car-door-opening services for a non-chemical snow-melter to use on his deck in the winter? That guy might want ash. So then, which is the safer thing to have around in case you need your car unlocked: ash or cash? Easy: ash. Why? Because ash might be made of cash, but cash cannot be made of ash.


3. An Ancient, Magical Scroll vs. Marbles in terms of Bowling

Rule 1 of everything: never take the ancient, magical scroll. Seriously, when have you ever heard someone say, “I found this ancient, magical scroll, and it promised me whatever I wanted, so I made a few wishes and got a bunch of awesome stuff, without any sort of complicated consequences to teach me the error of my ways!”? Never. There’s always some trick built in. Try to use an ancient scroll to help with your bowling, you’ll end up as one of the pins or something. No, the marbles are the way to go. Sure, they don’t have the same power as bowling ball, but you can roll them all at once for a more spread out attack.


This week, I'm rewarding the Rebuttal of the Week to user dukeofwulf , who uses Woot's personality against me to explain why a claw foot tub trumps a trumpet in terms of avoiding illness:

The bath tub's clawed feet will protect you from rat-borne plagues, and the accompanying shower curtain can save you from Malaria, Yellow Fever, and West Nile.

Knowing the average Woot user, these two trumpets would surely come refurbished. And a good way to get sick is to put your mouth where someone else's has been. And if you dodge that bullet, being a musician has a storied history of association with mental illnesses.

Advantage: An Antique Claw-Footed Bathtub 

Now, while I go cry because I've been out-Wooted, you can look at the above comparisons and post your rebuttal in the comments below! And maybe next week it'll be you making me cry!

PHOTO CREDITS: "Need Oar?" by flickr user, rittyrats; "ash water / drip lye container" by flickr user, rickbradley; "marbles" by flickr user, Van Ort. All used under a Creative Commons License.


quality posts: 6 Private Messages jesseroo

Eyes VS Oars

Eyes are the windows to the soul, so if you can't seem to get a table, simply open the maitre d’s windows and take his soul. Then you have something to bargain with.

Ash VS Cash

This one is a trick question, because you can create a society that uses ash as cash, and therefore it is the same thing.


quality posts: 0 Private Messages imroschke507

Ash vs. Cash:

Your analysis was correct, but your choice was flawed. Indeed, the ash may be made of cash, but once it is ash, it cannot be turned back into cash. However, you can always turn cash into ash with the flick of a Bic.

So, cash would be way better, since it has the potential to be ash as well. Keep the cash (and a lighter) on you at all times, and in the case where the locksmith would rather exchanges his services for ash rather than cash, use the lighter on your cash stash to make your own ash.


quality posts: 2 Private Messages loatu

An Ancient, Magical Scroll vs. Marbles in terms of Bowling

Marbles and bowling balls are essentially the same thing, the difference being a matter of magnitude. However, momentum is what knocks down bowling pins. And a marble is simply a bowling ball whose magnitude is so small as to not create enough momentum to knock the pins down. As soon as the sphere has a magnitude large enough, its name changes to "bowling ball". This marbles will be of no effect in bowling. Which is fine if you like to be certain of the outcome: losing.

BUT, bowling is a competition, and no one enters a competition without a desire to win. And to win, you have to take chances. Sure using the ancient magical scroll might transform me into a hideous uncoordinated chicken. Sure, it might give me boils, or polio, or render me braindead. But, it also might grant me strength to throw the bowling balls with the greatest of momentum. It might instill in my brain all the techniques and knowledge necessary to be able to roll the ball in the perfect strike line every time. It might transform all my opponents into hideous uncoordinated chickens.

In competition, where there's no risk, there's no reward.

Advantage: Ancient, Magical Scroll


quality posts: 290 Private Messages lstaff

Ash vs Cash.

Cash wins.

Store cash prominently on dashboard or prominently on front seat of the car.

Voila!! No trouble gaining entry when you return.

(at least in my neighborhood.)