I remember when I first saw you in 2004, you were so different from the others, so clean, slender, and beautiful. I flirted with you for a while and finally was able to join you in January of 2005. On that day you were extremely exhausted, running one of your crazy Woot-Offs. You came to me with an Ice Cream maker, and I just couldn't resist your charm (or low price).
Unfortunately when I met you I was a wreck. I had a very crappy job, and couldn't afford to take you out as often as I wished. But we made it work, we had our late nights together. Reading great product descriptions into the wee hours. Watching you shake your goods during Woot-Off after Woot-Off, where all I could do is sit, watch, and wish.
After a few years I got my life together and was able to treat you the way you deserved. And in 2007 you gave me a special gift. The Screaming Woot! Monkey. It was a sign that we would go places we'd always dreamed, and buy crap we've always wanted.
I spent the next few years courting you, and buying lavish items and fabulous junk with my new found disposable income. But I always, ALWAYS, would get Monkeys from you. They are so cute and fluffy, and fly really far.
Our relationship was great, and continued to grow until that fateful day in June of 2010. I came home and found you having coffee with some guy. You tried to tell me that he meant nothing, and that nothing would change between you and me, and he was just a friend. Since I knew him personally, I trusted you, and was okay with you hanging out with Amazon. But in the back of my mind I was worried.
About six months after that, you started getting weird. You started treating me like I was stalking you. You saw my huge Woot Monkey collection and cornered me to ask me about it: http://www.woot.com/blog/post/ten-questions-about-monkeys
Yes I have a lot of Monkeys, in fact the last count I did was somewhere around 120+. They were the only thing that comforted me while you'd go out to lunch with Amazon while I was at work. They were my true friends!
From there our relationship has been going downhill. We don't talk as often, our late nights became few and far apart. Then you broke tradition.
On April Fools day, you'd normally pull some clever joke that would make me laugh, and would be all sorts of fun. Not this year. This year you didn't do anything.
Then in June, you basically disappeared for almost a whole day, finally showing up with a facelift. You say it was something you always wanted to do, but I knew... It was a gift from Amazon. Instead of accepting you as the beautiful thing you were, it was changing you. You were always beautiful to me, you didn't need to change...but you did. For HIM.
I tried to accept your new look, but it changed who you were. Your Woot-Offs became tamer and hard to watch. Your Brigade of Campers#39;s became less exciting and more depressing, and you changed the last thing I loved about you. Your Monkeys. No longer having a cool hat, or awesome Velcro hands, they just have a stupid mask. Like they are ashamed to be identified while bearing your logo (Or should I just call it Amazon's logo now?).
I tried to accept the new monkeys. I really did. But they can't be easily placed on my shrine/tower. It's obvious you did this to let me know you thought I was being creepy, and to attached. I get it. But couldn't you just talk to me? Instead of humiliate me in front of my friends?
I can't take it anymore. I know you an Amazon are a couple now, even if you try to hide it and deny it. I know those bruises you got where from him..."fell down the stairs" my @$$. If you want to be with Amazon so bad, fine, I'm not going to stop you, but you can consider our relationship done.
I'll still try to be friendly to you though. I'll check in on you from time to time, but I'm not going to take any more of your monkeys, and I definitely will not be kept up late by your flashing lights and siren's call of a Woot-Off.
We're done. We had a good run, but I can't stand looking at you after knowing what he (Amazon) has done to you.
-Joel The Great
P.S. Anyone want to buy 120+ Woot Monkeys?
P.P.S. Sorry for the long post.